How to Communicate With a High Conflict Ex

Why Normal Communication Doesn't Work With a High Conflict Ex

Your partner's ex just sent another angry message. You spend ages crafting a thoughtful reply, explaining that you respect her role and only want what's best for the kids. Instead of calming down, she responds with an even more hostile message that ignores everything you've said and adds new accusations that you're 'manipulative'. Does this sound familiar? 

It's natural to think that if you just explain things clearly, she'll understand your perspective and behave more reasonably. But high conflict people don’t operate like that. They aren't looking to resolve anything, they’re looking for a reaction. So responses that would work with most people just backfire with high conflict people. 

The more you engage, the more she escalates. It doesn’t matter what you say, the result will be the same. I go deeper into this in Why Does Everything I Say to My Husband's Ex Make Things Worse? if you’d like to understand it more. 

So the key to keeping the conflict low is less words, not more. The goal is not to get her to see reason, it's to end the conversation. 

How to Deal With Her Toxic Messages

When that toxic message comes, you might be trying so hard to stay calm not let her get to you – but it still happens. This response is normal, it's your nervous system reacting to a threat and it’s trying to protect you. 

But when you're in that state, you stop thinking clearly. And instead of responding, you react. But.. the problem is, emotional reactions fuel high conflict people, and the drama increases. So the first step is to centre yourself – take a few deep breaths and try to regulate your nervous system. 

Then when you're ready, come back to the message and decide if there is anything in there worth responding to (often there isn’t). If there is, answer briefly and neutrally. Then put the phone down and walk away. 

While this process sounds simple, it takes some practice. I explain it in detail in How do I deal with toxic messages from my husband's ex?, and I have a free guide that walks you through it step-by-step. 

How To Reply to Messages from the High Conflict Ex

When you clarify, justify, defend, or explain, you're just giving her something to escalate with. If you’re responding with more than one sentence, you’re probably talking too much. The key is to keep your response brief and neutral. Remove all emotion, providing ONLY the essential information needed. 

Most of us go off track at this point and get stuck in a cycle of defending and explaining, hoping she’ll understand our point of view. But she’s not interested in what you think, she’s only in proving she’s right and you’re wrong. 

Examples of good responses include "Noted", "We’ll continue following the schedule." and "I'm unable to do that." Notice that these are all brief, neutral and factual. They do not include explanations or emotional elements she can use to continue the conflict. 

You can find examples of what to say when she sends accusations, demands, or threats in What Do I Say When My Husband's Ex Sends a Toxic Message? Silence is also a powerful response. If there is nothing in the message worth responding to, you don’t have to.

How To Stop Spiralling Over Her Messages

It’s normal to spiral over messages from a high conflict ex. Your body reacts immediately – heart pounding, jaw clenching, hands shaking. And then you start thinking about it, almost obsessively. An hour goes by. Then another. Sometimes it's still going the next day. You don't want to react like this. But you can't seem to stop yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you. This is completely normal. Your brain is treating that message from her as a threat and it’s flooding your body with stress hormones to protect you. Under stress, your brain keeps detecting threats, which triggers thoughts, which keeps stress hormones high. That’s why you spiral.  

To stop this, you need to signal to your nervous system that the threat is over, to allow the stress hormones to clear so your brain can think logically again. Then you need to redirect your thoughts so you don't pull yourself straight back into the spiral again. I go into this in more detail in How Do I Stop Spiralling When My Partner's Ex Triggers Me?

How To Negotiate With A High Conflict Ex

We all try our best to work around the high conflict ex so we don't have to make requests. But sometimes, it's unavoidable. And so we prepare ourselves for the crushing frustration of trying to negotiate with someone who seems to enjoy refusing everything. 

But negotiating with a high conflict person is easier when you understand their psychology.  They experience your request – any request – as a threat to them in some way. Their brain immediately goes into defensive mode, and they literally cannot consider your reasonable suggestions. The key is to shift her from defensive reacting to logical problem solving. 

Here’s how to increase your chance of getting a "yes”:

1. Time it for when she’s least reactive.

2. Present a proposal that gives her a sense of control while getting you what you need.

3. Avoid anything to do with emotions and instead focus on thinking and doing 

4. Keep all communication brief and neutral.

   
   

For more info on how to do this, see How Do You Reason With Her When She Says No To Everything?

FAQ’s

Will this make her more reasonable? 

No. Nothing you do will make her more reasonable. This is designed to change how you respond to her, not to change her behaviour. When you stop arguing, defending, and over-explaining, there's less back-and-forth. She may still send unreasonable messages. But they don't turn into long, escalating, soul-destroying conversations.

Does she not realise how unreasonable she's being?

No. She has no insight into this behaviour – she literally cannot see that she's the one creating the problem. 

Q: Should my husband be handling her messages instead of me? 

You can choose to pass it onto your partner to handle – they are, after all, the parent. Who responds is really just a decision to make together with your husband. The process applies to whoever is responding.