What Do I Say When My Husband's Ex Sends a Toxic Message?

That message from your husband's ex is filled with accusations, demands, or threats – and you're stuck trying to figure out how to respond. Here's exactly what to say.

When you sit there writing and rewriting your response, looking for the perfect thing to say that will make her see reason, you’re wasting your energy. With most people, being reasonable leads to resolution. But high conflict people don’t send messages to resolve anything. They send them to get a reaction. When you communicate with them, the goal isn't to get them to understand (they won’t). The goal is to end the conversation, as quickly as possible.

Here’s how you do it: First, strip the message down and remove all accusations, threats, insults, drama, and manipulation to see if there is actually any logistical or factual issue there. Then decide if there’s anything that needs responding to. If there isn’t, not responding is often the best response. If you do choose to respond, make it factual and neutral.

My free guide How to Respond to Her Toxic Messages walks you through this step-by-step. It's designed to remove you from the conflict completely. 

Why am I so stuck on what to say to my husband's ex?

The reason you’re stuck is because normal communication doesn't work with high conflict people. With most people, clarifying things leads to understanding. But high conflict people don't send messages to solve problems, they send them to keep the conflict going. So when you clarify, justify, defend, or explain – you're just giving her something to escalate with.

She's not interested in your side. You want clarity and reason. She wants confusion and control. The more you engage, the longer it goes, the worse it gets. Engagement with a high conflict person turns into a test of endurance that you will lose. She'll go as long as she needs to, to exhaust you. You end up drained – mentally, physically, emotionally.  

What lowers conflict is less reaction, and less engagement. As little as is possible. If you're responding with more than one sentence, you're probably talking too much. 

What do I say when she accuses us of something that isn't true?

When she sends a false accusation, strip down the  message and look for whether there's an actual issue hiding in the message. 

Here's an example. The message says: "Josh came home upset again because of you. He said you yelled at him and made him feel like he doesn't matter. I'm sick of this happening every time he's with you. You need to seriously think about how you're treating my son. If this continues, I'll be taking action." When you strip it back, the only factual claim is: "Josh said you yelled at him." That's it.

Does that need a response? Often, no. The exception might be if you’re wanting to preserve a record for court, in which case you could state a simple correction. “That’s not accurate” and possibly a short factual statement like “We’re following the parenting agreement.”

If you need help knowing what to say, my No Drama Script Pack gives you the exact words to say to shut down the drama – so you can stop second-guessing and just send it.

What do I say when she demands a schedule change?

When she makes a demand, strip the message right back to find what she's actually asking.

Here's an example: "I need you to take Mia to her soccer game on Saturday morning. I know it's not your weekend, but I have plans and you're home anyway. If you actually cared about Mia, you'd help out instead of making everything so difficult all the time." Strip it back and you get: "I need you to take Mia to her soccer game on Saturday morning." That's what you work with.

If you decide to respond with no – you don't explain why. You just say: "I'm unable to do that." You're not justifying your decision. You're not saying sorry. 

If she comes back with more pressure, just repeat the process. Let’s say she says “Clearly you don’t care about Mia, you’re always pretending to be mum, but when it counts, you’re not there for her.” If you follow the process and strip this message down to the factual or logistical points, well there just aren’t any. So then you can decide that, with nothing there, you just don’t respond. 

What do I say when she threatens us with court or legal action?

When a message includes a threat, the threat does not require your engagement. Responding to pressure doesn't prevent someone from doing something – it only teaches them that threats get a reaction.

Here's an example: "If you don't agree to this schedule change by tonight, I'm filing paperwork on Monday. You're forcing me to take this to court because you refuse to cooperate."  The threat is tied to a deadline, which creates the feeling that you have to do something. But responding to that pressure only rewards it. 

If the threat is serious and you want to reply, it’s important that your response is calm, factual, and minimal. Don’t get drawn into defending or over-explaining.

Something like: "We will continue following the current schedule." That's it. It just states the position. Avoid a lengthy explanation or justification in the hopes it will influence her action. It almost certainly won’t, and the situation will just escalate. 

FAQs

What if she escalates after I respond (or don't respond)? 

High conflict people often escalate when they don't get the emotional reaction they want. That doesn’t mean you've made it worse – it means the pattern is changing. Your job isn't to calm her down. When you stay brief, neutral, and consistent, there's nothing to keep the escalation going.

What if she follows through with her threat? 

If she’s going to, she will do it anyway, regardless of what you say. You don’t want to be jumping any time she makes a threat, it just reinforces to her that these work, and you will keep walking on eggshells. If the threat is harassing, take screenshots, store these as evidence, and consider legal advice.

Should my partner be handling her messages instead of me? 

This is what I recommend – but who responds is a decision best made together. Either way, the same process of responding works for both of you, and you can share this with your partner if they are struggling with this.  

Do I need to respond to every message she sends? 

No. In many cases, there's nothing in the message worth responding to. Once you strip out all the drama, you're often left with nothing. Silence is often the most powerful response with high conflict people.

Will she use my silence against me?

She might try. But she’s going to find something to use against you anyway. At least you’ve minimised her ability to do it because she can't twist something you never said.

Will this make her more reasonable? 

No. Nothing you do will make her more reasonable. This is designed to change how you respond to her, not to change her behaviour. When you stop defending and over-explaining, there's less back-and-forth. She may still send unreasonable messages, but they don't turn into long, escalating, soul-destroying conversations.

You don't need to explain everything. You don't need to defend yourself. When you respond, keep it brief and neutral – in most cases, one sentence only. Then send it and step away. The goal isn't to win. It's to end the conversation.