How Do I Deal With Toxic Messages From My Husband's Ex?

That toxic message from your husband's ex just landed and you're already spiralling. Here's exactly how to handle it without making things worse.

The goal of communicating with a high conflict person should always be to end the conversation, as quickly as possible. Any back-and-forth gives them more to escalate with. So the key to responding to her toxic messages is to not give her anything to create drama around. This may mean you don't answer at all, or you give her short, neutral responses that remove all emotion and only provide the necessary information.

Here is how you do this: If you’re triggered, take a few moments to centre yourself before doing anything. This might mean taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, or something else that calms you. 

Then, take the message and strip out all the drama, accusations, and insults, so you're just left with the issue - if there is one. Then, decide if there is anything in there worth responding to (often there isn’t). If there is, answer briefly, factually and neutrally. Then consciously decide to let it go and move on with your day.  

My free guide How to Respond to Her Toxic Messages walks you through this step-by-step. It's designed to remove you from the conflict completely.

Why do messages from his ex trigger me so much?

Being triggered by high conflict communication is very common. You don't even need to know what the message is about before your heart is racing and you get a bit shaky. That's the fight-or-flight response. Whenever your body perceives a threat, it floods you with stress hormones and pulls you into reactive mode. Your nervous system is doing what it's designed to do – protect you. 

This is a genuine stress response. You're not overreacting or being too sensitive – your brain thinks you’re in danger. And when you're in that state, your ability to think rationally is compromised. So instead of responding, you react – emotionally. And with high conflict people, emotional reactions fuel them, and the drama increases.

How do I calm down before I respond?

The rule is… don't text when you're triggered. Start by recognising the signs that your fight-or-flight response has been triggered. Often it’s that your heart races, you feel hot in your face or chest, you feel shaky and short of breath. 

When that happens, physically put the phone down. Take slow, even breaths – deep breathing calms the nervous system and sends the signal that you're safe. Walk away, listen to some music, make a cup of tea – do anything that takes you out of the moment. 

Moving your body helps too as it can help clear stress hormones from your system that are activated by the body’s flight or flight response. It can also help to remind yourself that you’re safe, and that her comments are about her, and not you. Don’t come back to the message until you feel more calm and centered. 

How do I decide if I need to respond to the message?

Firstly, strip out all the drama, accusations, opinions and insults out of her message. That you “shouldn't be in the children's lives”? Irrelevant. That you're a "monster”? Irrelevant. Once you’ve done that, rewrite the message with only the factual or logistical points - if you can find any. Often there isn’t any. Often the messages are just designed to increase conflict.

Here is an example. The message says: "Jamie's dentist appointment is 2:30 Thursday, though I doubt you'll bother remembering, since neither of you seem to care about what matters." The only relevant issue is the dentist appointment. So you rewrite it as: "Jamie's dentist appointment is 2:30 on Thursday." That's it. That's what you work with.

Once you've rewritten the message, ask yourself: does this actually require a response? If you didn't identify any actual relevant issue, then silence is often the most powerful response. Messages that typically don't need replies include personal jabs, accusations without specific requests, and emotional venting.

How do I actually answer a high conflict message without creating more drama?

When answering, the key is to keep your response brief and neutral. Remove all emotion, providing ONLY the essential information needed. Focus on facts. The less words, the better.  Give her nothing to grab onto to continue the conflict or use against you.

It’s tempting to want to defend yourself and try to get her to understand your point of view. But she's not interested in what you think – she's only interested in proving she's right and you're wrong. All you'll do is invite conflict in and increase the back-and-forth.

See the related question: What Do I Say When My Husband's Ex Sends a Toxic Message?

And if you need help knowing what to say, my No Drama Script Pack gives you the exact words to shut down the drama – so you can stop second-guessing and just send it.

What do I do after I've sent the message?

Once you've replied – or decided not to – move on. You don't need to go over it 100 times in your head. It doesn't deserve any more of your time. I know that's easier said than done. You might want to check if she's read it, reread your own message, or start anticipating what she'll do next. 

But when you stay caught up in it, that's how her drama keeps ruining your day. Releasing the exchange means you've done your part. And now you get to let it go. Put the phone down and go back to what you were doing. Remind yourself that her drama is not about you. 

After I respond, I can't stop going over it in my head. How do I let it go?

This is the emotional hangover. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that feels unresolved – so it loops. It sounds like this: “Check the message again.” or “What did she mean by that?” What helps is interrupting this loop deliberately:  

• Say to yourself “This is a thought loop. Her issues have nothing to do with me.”

• Write it down. Everything – what she said, what you said, what you wish you'd said. Your brain keeps cycling through it partly because it's trying to hold all of it at once. Writing it down gives it somewhere to go.

• Redirect the energy by doing something else, like going for a walk.

  
  

The loop will happen again, but each time you interrupt it faster, you get better at it and the loop gets shorter. If you find yourself spiralling and unable to let it go, my 30 Minute Reset can help. It’s a simple system to shut down the spiral fast - so you can move on with your day.

FAQs

What if she comes back with another message right after I've replied?

That's often what high conflict people do when they don't get the emotional reaction they want – they push harder. You can just repeat the same process for every message. It gets easier with practice. 

What if the message is actually urgent – like something about the kids? 

Very few things are truly urgent and high conflict people often manufacture false urgency. Most can wait half an hour while you centre yourself. If it is genuinely urgent, you can still use brief, neutral, facts only. The urgency doesn't need to change how you respond. 

Should my husband be handling her messages instead of me? 

You can choose to pass it onto your partner to handle – they are, after all, the parent. Who responds is really just a decision to make together with your husband. The process applies to whoever is responding.

What if I slip up and send an emotional reply? 

That's normal. It takes practice. It doesn't mean you'll never be able to do it. It just means you're human doing the best you can in a difficult situation.