How Do I Stop Spiralling When My Partner's Ex Triggers Me?

You get triggered by his ex and lose hours – sometimes days – to the spiral. Here's why it happens and how to stop it fast.

When you spiral after she triggers you, it’s because your brain is treating that message from her as a threat. It floods your body with stress hormones to protect you. Under threat, your brain doesn’t function the way it normally does. It keeps trying to protect you by detecting threats, which triggers more threatening thoughts, which keeps stress hormones high, which keeps your brain in this threat loop. That’s why you spiral.  

To stop this, you need to signal to your nervous system that the threat is over, to allow the stress hormones to clear so your brain can think logically again. Then you need to redirect your thoughts so you don't pull yourself straight back into the spiral again. 

Why do I feel sick after a message from his ex comes through?

When the ex does something, like send a toxic text, your body might react immediately. It means your brain is treating it like you're in danger. Your heart races. You feel hot. Your breathing gets shallow. Your muscles tense up. Your hands even shake. You feel a bit sick. You’ve probably heard about fight-or-flight – that survival response that kicks in when you’re in danger. That’s what’s happening to you. 

The reason your body reacts like this is because of the stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flooding your system. They’re designed to prepare your body to be able to fight or run away. This is helpful when you’re being chased, not so much when you’re sitting alone in your living room. 

Why can't I stop thinking about what the ex said?

When you're in a state of flight or flight, the priority for your thinking isn't rational problem-solving – it's survival. So your brain goes into overdrive, trying to keep you safe by detecting threats. Your thoughts sound like: what if the kids believe her, what if my partner thinks I'm the problem, what if she takes this to court, how will we afford it. 

Every time you replay what she said or worry about what she might do next, your brain treats it like a new threat. And your nervous system can’t tell the difference between actual danger and imagined danger. It just responds. Which keeps your body flooded with stress hormones. Which keeps your brain focussed on survival. Which generates more threatening thoughts.

Essentially, your brain keeps triggering itself, keeping you in a state of fight-or-flight. That's why you can't just "let it go." The event that initially triggered you may be over, but you keep retriggering yourself. So you stay in the spiral. For hours, sometimes days.

Why do I keep reacting to her messages, even though I don’t want to?

When you’re triggered, you know you shouldn't engage with her. But in the moment, you can't help it. You immediately want to do something. So you respond, you explain and you defend. Then you’re annoyed with yourself for doing what you said you didn’t want to do. 

But the truth is, you're in a state of fight-or-flight and your body is operating under stress hormones, so you’re not thinking clearly. You’re just reacting. This is totally normal. But the problem is, when you engage with the high conflict ex, you’re making things worse. 

How do I calm down fast when the ex triggers me?

You have to signal to your nervous system that the threat is over and you're safe. The best way is through controlled breathing, grounding exercises and physical movement. 

• Controlled breathing techniques activate your calm-down response

• Grounding exercises pull you into the present moment

• Physical movement techniques to help your body release the stress hormones. 

  
  

When you combine all three, you're calming your nervous system from multiple angles. If you implement this as soon as you recognise the signs, with a bit of practice it should take you about 10 - 15 minutes. Once you've regulated your nervous system and cleared the stress hormones, your brain can think logically again.

How do I get the ex out of my head?

Even once your body has calmed down, your brain is still going to want to replay what happened and predict what might happen next. And if you don't stop that, you're going to pull yourself right back into the spiral and the cycle repeats. So you need to redirect your thoughts and interrupt the rumination loop. 

This is about giving your brain something better and more useful to focus on than catastrophising about things. The best way to do it is to take the spiral thoughts that you’ve been having and gently challenge them – chances are, they are not based on facts. Then choose new thoughts on purpose that are not triggering. This gives the brain more realistic thoughts to focus on.

My 30 Minute Reset can help you through both the body and mind reset process. It’s a simple system to shut down the spiral fast – so you can move on with your day. It takes just one hour to complete, it's practical and it works.

FAQs

Why does the spiral last for days even when I'm not actively thinking about it?

Your brain is always processing things in the background. You might not realise it's still happening – but you're short, tense, distracted. And sometimes, anger and frustration are surface emotions. Underneath there's often fear or shame. Your brain can be processing that for days.

What do I do about the actual issue that triggered me once I've calmed down? 

Once you're out of the spiral, you can actually think straight and choose your response instead of just reacting. Do you need to respond? Do you need to set a boundary? Most of the time, you'll find you don't actually need to do anything. because what was compelling you to do something was the spiral.

Why do I snap at my partner when he’s not the one who triggered me? 

Because you're wound so tight you can't help it. Your partner asks you something and you snap at him. You didn't mean to. That's what operating under stress hormones does – it affects everything around you, not just the situation that caused it.

Is there something wrong with me for not being able to just let it go?

That feeling that you're the problem can be almost worse than the actual trigger. Know there is nothing wrong with you. This is completely normal and it happens because of how your brain works. We are designed to detect threats and protect ourselves. The key is notice when you’re triggered and learn how to calm your body and mind.