Why Does Everything I Say to My Husband's Ex Make Things Worse

You keep trying to explain yourself clearly to the high conflict ex, hoping she'll finally hear you – but here's why that's just making it worse.

High conflict people don't follow normal communication “rules”. We tend to assume that we’re dealing with a person who wants resolution. But that's not what's happening. High conflict people aren't looking to resolve anything. They’re looking for a reaction. In fact, the term ‘high conflict' describes someone with a pattern of behaviour that increases conflict rather than resolving it. 

Understanding this is important, because it explains why your sensible, well-intentioned responses usually make situations worse instead of better.

Why can’t she just be reasonable?

It's natural to think that if you just explain things clearly, she'll understand your perspective and behave more reasonably. Unfortunately, your well-thought-out explanations fall on deaf ears because she's not interested in your perspective. She's interested in maintaining her story where you are the villain and she is the victim. 

Example: when you say something like: "It makes more sense for Emma to stay with us on Thursday since her sports practice is right near our house – it would save her an hour of travel time, and she'd get more sleep" – what comes back is something like: "Don't tell me what's best for MY child. You're always trying to steal my time with her." 

She will never see herself as contributing to the problem – you, or someone else, is the problem. The more you explain, the more threatened she feels. The more you push, the harder she pushes back. No matter how reasonable your argument is, it won't matter because she's not operating from logic – she's operating from emotion and control.

Why defending yourself against her accusations backfires

When she attacks you, your instinct is to defend yourself. While your feelings may be perfectly valid, your emotional reaction plays directly into her hands. This is because high conflict people unconsciously seek emotional reactions from others. The engagement itself – not resolution – is their actual goal. The more emotionally you react, the more they escalate. 

Your reaction gives her something to grab onto – to make you look like the problem, as proof that she's right about you. It also provides control – your reaction shows she can affect your emotional state, giving her a sense of power. And it provides evidence she can use against you later.

Here’s what it looks like: You say "I am SO TIRED of your constant accusations – you've been making my life hell for three years" – her likely response: "Wow… looks like someone's showing their true colours. This is exactly the unstable behaviour my children have been telling me about. I'll be saving this for my lawyer."

Why bringing up the past always blows up

High conflict people often have difficulty accepting and healing from past losses or perceived injustices, so they bring them up repeatedly as if they happened yesterday. Engaging with these old issues just keeps them alive and gives them fresh power in the present.

Your explanations about past events won't change her perception of what happened. If anything, engaging with past conflicts only reinforces her belief that these issues remain relevant and unresolved.

So if you say something like: "I did NOT try to 'take over' the holidays last year. You agreed he could stay until 2pm, and then changed your mind last minute." She might say something like: "This is EXACTLY like three Christmases ago when you tried to keep him for the whole day. And remember when you scheduled that dentist appointment without telling me FOUR YEARS AGO? I've been keeping track of EVERY TIME you've interfered with my parenting!"

Before you know it, you're defending yourself against past "offences" that have nothing to do with the current situation.

Does she realise how difficult she’s being? 

A fundamental aspect of the high conflict personality is that they never see their own behaviour as the problem. While it’s tempting to tell her you think she's high conflict or narcissistic, you will not succeed at giving her insight into herself, no matter how nicely you deliver it. 

Instead, she will see it as an attack on her very character – and she'll likely respond with something like: "Are you KIDDING ME? This is exactly the kind of toxic, abusive behaviour I've been warning everyone about. I'm contacting my lawyer immediately about this harassment."

Now you've given her ammunition to use against you, and made the situation significantly worse. Never try to label a high conflict person's behaviour directly to them. Save the information for yourself so that you can change how you deal with them.

FAQs

But if I don't defend myself, doesn't that mean she thinks she's right? 

She'll think that anyway. No message you send will change that. Not responding doesn't mean she's right – it means she doesn't have control over you.

If I could just explain things better, would she see it?

No – she won’t see it. She’s not interested. She only wants to prove she's right and you're wrong. Over-explaining backfires because it just give her more points to argue with, it creates a written record she can use against you later, and she thinks you need to justify yourself to her, reinforcing the control she thinks she has

She always gets worse when I don't respond – am I doing something wrong? 

No. When you stop giving her the reaction she's used to getting, she'll often push harder for a while. That's not a sign it's not working – it's a sign that it is. She's trying harder because what used to work on you has stopped working.

How do I avoid all these communication mistakes?

The key is to not give her anything to hang onto. This may mean you don’t answer at all, or if you do, you give her short, factual and neutral responses. Remove all emotion, only providing the necessary information. I created a free guide to show you exactly How to Respond to Her Toxic Messages.

While these mistakes might feel natural or even satisfying in the moment, they ultimately keep you trapped in a cycle of conflict. The goal should be to end the conversation – as quickly as possible.