How to Emotionally Survive the High Conflict Ex

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How To Know When It’s Time to Step Back From the Drama

So you've reached a point where something has to change. Maybe you've been doing more than your fair share and you’re burnt out. It’s an easy trap that we fall into, where we try to do everything. We see our partner struggling with something and we to want to fix it. Because we want everything to be ok. So we often take on things that aren't ours.

But what this actually does is it enables your partner to step away from his coparent responsibilities. And then that ends up becoming something you end up managing. I get that a lot of the things that happen affect you and that’s part of the reason we want to control them. 

But are you going to do that forever? Because that’s a hard position to be in, and a recipe for burnout. So you need to learn where that line is for you. Ask yourself: Is this my problem? Do I want to get involved? How do I want to be involved? Look at what's worth your energy, and where you might need to step back.

How To Step Back & Actually Stay Back

Many of us struggle with actually stepping back AND staying there. Here’s what usually happens. You decided enough was enough and that you were going to stop doing something. You told yourself (or your partner or the ex) that you were going to stay out of it.

But then his phone went off and you felt your whole body react. Or he came home stressed and you found yourself being the one to fix it. So what happened was, you stepped back on the outside. But inside, nothing had changed.

Here's the truth. When you try to step back, but you do it from a place of being desperate to feel better - it doesn't stick. The guilt creeps in. The anxiety builds. And eventually, you step straight back in. Or you end up so resentful that you step straight out of the relationship. 

In order to step back and actually stay there, the internal shift has to come first. You have to start with the thoughts and the feelings driving what you're doing in the first place. And if you approach it like this, stepping back becomes so much easier. Learn how to do this in How Do I FINALLY Step Back From the Drama of the High Conflict Ex.

How Too Stop Spiralling When She Triggers You

You know that moment she’s triggered you – your heart races and maybe you’re a bit shaky. And then you react. Perhaps you say something you’ll regret later. And then you start thinking about it, almost obsessively. 

You want to stay calm. But the problem is that you can’t, because when you’re triggered, your brain floods your body with stress hormones to try to protect you from this “threat”. Then it keeps trying to protect you by detecting more threats, which keeps stress hormones high, which keeps your brain in this threat loop. That’s why you spiral. 

To stop this, you need to signal to your nervous system that the threat is over, to allow the stress hormones to clear so your brain can think logically again. Then you need to redirect your thoughts so you don't pull yourself straight back into the spiral again. See How Do I Stop Spiralling When My Partner's Ex Triggers Me? to learn more about how to do it. 

How To Stop Her From Ruining Your Pregnancy

It's supposed to be one of the best moments of your life, but instead of getting to enjoy your pregnancy, you're already thinking about what the ex is going to do to ruin it. The messages. The threats. The financial demands. You feel like she's already stealing this joy from you. 

The truth is, while you can't stop her from reacting, you can minimise the damage by preparing for the fallout. By considering her past track record as a guide to what she’ll do next, you can make a plan for how you’ll deal with it when she does. You can decide in advance what she gets to know and what she doesn't, and how to support the kids if they are caught in the middle. 

For a guide on how to do it, see How Do I Stop My Husband's Ex From Ruining My Pregnancy? When you approach it this way, it stops feeling like a catastrophe you're dreading and starts feeling like a situation you can manage.