How Do I Finally Step Back From the Drama of the High Conflict Ex

You decide to step back from the ex’s drama, then something happens and you're right back in it again. Here's how to finally step back and stay there.

To finally step back from the drama of the high conflict ex, you need to do more than just change what you’re doing. You need to disengage from the outcome you’re trying to control.

If you step back while still believing your partner is handling things badly, the kids will suffer unless you intervene, or everything will fall apart if you don’t fix it, you’ll stay emotionally tied to the situation. Eventually the anxiety, guilt or frustration pulls you straight back in.

Disengaging is the process of identifying the thoughts and feelings that are driving your urge to step back in, then working on changing them. It isn’t about caring less or checking out, it’s about letting go of the belief that things have to go a certain way for you to be okay.

When that internal shift happens, stepping back stops feeling like something you have to force – and becomes something you can actually sustain.

Why do I keep getting pulled back into the drama when I try to step back?

Think about the last time you tried to step back. What were you feeling when you made that decision? Probably desperation and seeking relief "I just can't do this anymore." Maybe you'd been doing more than your share, putting up with things.But nothing changed. So you stepped back. And maybe you stopped doing some of the things for a while. 

But what happened? A few days in, the anxiety started creeping back in. You found yourself stepping back in, even though you'd promised yourself you wouldn't. What really happened was – you’d stepped back on the outside, but inside, nothing had changed – you just changed what you were doing, hoping it would make you feel better. 

The truth is, when you try to step back from a place of being desperate to feel better, it doesn't stick. You can do it for a while. But eventually it's coming back up. The guilt creeps in. The anxiety builds. The resentment starts. And so you step straight back in.

Why disengaging is the key to stepping back from the drama

In order to step back and be able to stay there, we need to let go of our attachment to the outcome of the situation going a certain way. 

For example, let’s say you decide to step back from helping your partner deal with his ex. On the outside, you're out of it. But inside, you're watching, noticing every wrong move he makes. Biting your tongue. Still carrying all of it – just silently now, afraid that things will get worse if you're not managing it. You've just traded one kind of suffering for another. This isn’t a sustainable situation. 

But what if you could let go of your attachment to him handling this a certain way? Then you can step back and stay there. That’s the skill of disengaging. When most people hear “disengage”, they think: switch off. Check out completely. But that's not disengaging, that's disconnecting. Real disengaging isn't about caring less. It's about carrying less. 

What disengaging from a high conflict ex actually looks like

Stepping back is an action – it's choosing to be less involved or removing yourself from a situation that you don't want to be in anymore. Disengaging is the internal shift of letting go of needing the outcome of that situation to go a certain way in order for you to feel okay about it. Disengaging makes stepping back sustainable. And it comes from a place of love. For both you AND your family.

You might still choose to do some of the same things. But you're doing it from a different place. Not from a need to control the outcome due to fear or anxiety, but from a place of "I can't control the outcome, and that's Ok".

And the difference feels like this: When the ex messages and you desperately want to step in and fix it – to when the ex messages, you might choose to be available to your partner to help him think through a response, but you don't need to fix it. That's disengaging. And it's a skill you can learn.

Why your thoughts make it hard to step back

The skill of disengaging starts with the thoughts and the feelings driving what you're doing in the first place. Let me explain how this works with an example. 

When the ex has cancelled on the kids again, when the kids come home upset, when our partner is handling it badly – it seems like that is the problem. That the ex is the problem. That if she would stop doing whatever it is, things would be fine. That if your partner would handle it better, you wouldn’t have to step in and fix it. 

But here's what’s actually going on. Whatever you think is the problem – that thing you’re trying to step back from because trying to change it is like beating your head against a brick wall... well, that’s not why you’re upset. There's a step in between what’s happening, and how you feel about it. 

And that step is what you’re thinking about it. What you’re making it mean.

How your thoughts keep you emotionally tied to the outcome

Here's the thing about our brains. We don't just receive information, we interpret it. Something happens, and your brain immediately makes it mean something. When the ex cancels on the kids, you might think “she doesn't care about the kids”. And when your partner doesn't handle it the way you would, perhaps you think "he can't cope, if I don't fix it, nobody will".

You think all those things are facts. That you had to step in BECAUSE the ex hurt the children, BECAUSE your partner isn't handling it right. But that's not why. You're stepping in because your THOUGHTS about those things are driving a feeling, and that’s driving what you're doing. 

You can’t change the ex. You probably can’t change your partner either. But you can change your thoughts. And when you do, you also change your feelings, which is that emotional tether tying you to the outcome. And then that’s going to allow you to step back, and stay there, without the guilt and resentment. That's how we disengage. 

Your thoughts pull you back into the same pattern

To be able to disengage, we need to start with our thoughts. Change the thought, and everything else changes with it. I’ll explain how this works by breaking down an example. 

The situation is that the ex cancelled on the kids at the last minute. This is a circumstance, a fact. It either happened or it didn't. A circumstance is something that is not within our control. Then your partner said something about it to the kids, and whatever he said, is also a circumstance.

Then you had thoughts about this, like "if I don't fix it, nobody will". And that thought created a feeling. Maybe anxiety or fear. That urgent sense that something bad is going to happen if you don't step in right now. Then from that feeling, you take action. You step in. You take over.

And the result? Your partner feels undermined. You argue. You’re exhausted. And nothing is actually resolved. And next time the ex cancels, the whole thing starts again.

The thought-feeling-action pattern

This sequence – the circumstance, thought, feeling, action, and result – is actually a framework called The Model. To summarise – there's the circumstance, we have thoughts about it, those thoughts drive the way we feel, which lead to our actions, which produces our results.

• Circumstance: The ex cancelled on the kids last minute, and your partner said something to the kids about it.

• Thought: "if I don't fix it, nobody will"

• Feeling: Anxiety 

• Action: You step in. 

• Result: You argue with your partner, and nothing is actually resolved.

Why changing your behaviour doesn’t make stepping back stick

Let’s look at what happens if you decide to step back at this point – to change the action without changing the thought and feeling driving it. You’re still emotionally tethered to the outcome, but you’re forcing yourself to act differently. That's very hard to do. It's literally using willpower and forcing an action that isn't aligned.

It’s like trying to divert water flowing down a mountain. You can try to force it to flow uphill, but it doesn't work and the effort required is huge. It makes much more sense to divert it from the top, so it flows in the direction you want it to go the whole way. 

Our thoughts, feelings and actions work the same way. They flow together. When your thought is "if I don't fix this, nobody will" and the feeling is anxiety, the natural action that flows is to step in and fix it. 

When you try to just change the action, you’re trying to divert the water uphill. And you can do that for a while. But it doesn't last. What actually makes sense is to divert it higher up. Change the thought, which changes the feeling. And then the action you want – stepping back and staying back – flows naturally from there.

How do I start disengaging from the drama?

Firstly, ask an honest question. “Is what I'm doing working for me?”

Think about whatever it is that you might be considering stepping back from, and ask if what you're doing and the way you feel about that is actually working for you? When you look at the net effect – the cost to you, to your relationship, to your mental health – is this actually working for you?

Then ask yourself "why do I keep doing it anyway?"

This is not a question used to judge yourself. It’s to understand yourself. And likely, at the root of it will be a fear. Keep digging until you find the answer, because if you don't understand the REAL reason why you keep doing whatever it is that you don't want to be doing, you can never change it.

Identify the thoughts that keep pulling you back in

Now grab a piece of paper and put the circumstance at the top - just the facts. Underneath that, write down a thought you have about it (not every thought, just pick one). Then reflect on how that thought makes you feel. Then write the feeling underneath. 

Then think about actions you take when you think and feel that way. Write that down too. And then underneath that, the results it creates in your life. 

• Circumstance: 

• Thought: 

• Feeling: 

• Action: 

• Result: 

  
  

Hopefully through this process you can see how your thoughts are playing out in your life. And you might be tempted to judge yourself for that. But this is not what you want to do. These thoughts are coming from real experiences and real fears. Instead of judging, learn to develop a curiosity about why you do or think things.

Choose a new thought based on the result you actually want

Now we get to choose a new thought. Deliberately. For the same circumstance. Now I know you think this is weird. That's Ok, let it be weird. It's just unfamiliar and new. And I know you still think the old thoughts are true. That’s OK too. You don’t have to convince yourself they are not true for this to work. 

Because it comes down to this: the thought that's going to have more power in your life is the thought you think the most. So the goal is to choose a thought that you can believe that feels positive and is more aligned with the action or result you want to create.

We’re not going to choose a thought that makes everything perfect, or that pretends there's no problem, because you won’t believe it. And if you don’t believe the thought, it doesn't create the emotion that you need in order to take the action you want to take. 

Choose a thought you can actually believe

So for example, you can’t go from “My partner is not handling this properly” to “My partner is handling this perfectly”. It’s just not going to be believable. It sounds positive, but then when you think it, the feeling is going to be negative. The easiest way to find a new thought is to work backwards. 

Start by asking yourself what action you want to take, or what result you want to create. Get a piece of paper and write down the result you want to create. Then above that, what action would create this result? Then, how would you need to be feeling to do this? And lastly, what would you need to be THINKING to feel that way?

It will take some time to identify a new thought. You’ll need to try a few different ones. Think about each one and notice what feeling comes up when you think it. If the feeling is negative, then you don’t believe that thought. Try another one or reframe the thought.

Example: changing the thought that makes you step in and take over

Let’s look at the stepmum who’s stepping in and taking over with the kids. When she does this, her partner feels undermined, they argue, and she's exhausted. When she asks herself what she actually wants, she comes up with “I want us to be a team”. Note that this doesn’t rely on her partner changing, and it is something she can actually create. 

She then thinks about what action she would need to take to create that result. She knows her current action isn’t going to achieve it, so she finally decides that she could help to teach the kids how to deal with their own emotions. That way when the ex cancels again, she is working with her partner to help them, not against him. 

The next thing she needs to ask herself is what she would need to feel in order to naturally take that action. Perhaps it’s “purposeful”. And then what thought would she need to think to feel purposeful. She decides on "My job is to help the kids understand their emotions, not fix them".

Practise the new thought until it becomes easier to step back

This is the most important (and hardest) step. You have to PRACTICE the new thought. Don't rely on finding a new thought and then waiting to feel different, it doesn't work like that. A new thought is going to feel uncomfortable at first. That's normal. New thoughts are unfamiliar. So you need to practice it until it feels familiar. 

I know it sounds weird, but our brains create neural pathways, and the more you practice something, the stronger those pathways become, and the more automatic it becomes. You're literally rewiring your brain. But it takes time and repetition. Use post-it notes, say it to yourself 10 times a day, write it on the mirror, write it in your diary every day. 

Your brain is still going to want to go back to the old thought, because it's familiar. Each time this happens, just notice it, put the old thought aside, and consciously choose the new thought instead. Repeat it until it feels familiar and normal to think that thought. 

What to do when you get pulled back into the drama again

There will be times when you slip up. You've stepped back in before you realise it. When that happens, don't beat yourself up about it. Self-judgment doesn't create change. It just makes it harder. Give yourself the same grace you'd give a friend who was trying to change something hard.

And give it at least 30 days. It's not going to be a dramatic overnight shift. It's more like – each time, a little bit easier, a bit more progress. Until eventually, you're not having to remind yourself anymore. 

Because this is what disengaging actually looks like. It's not a decision you make once. It's changing the thought. And when the thought changes, the feeling changes. And when the feeling changes – stepping back just flows. You're not forcing it anymore. It's just what happens. 

That is literally how you disengage. And that's what makes stepping back actually stick.

FAQs

Why should I step back as a stepmum?

Even in the best circumstances, stepmums consistently report high levels of anxiety and stress. But you've got everything that comes with being a stepmum – and then you've also got his high conflict ex to deal with. And what I see, over and over, is that stepmums in this situation end up carrying far more than their share, and they burn out. That's why stepping back matters.

Isn’t this just ‘positive affirmations’? 

No – I'm not talking about positive affirmations. These don't actually work, because they're not believable. You can't go from "My partner is not handling this properly" to "My partner is handling this perfectly". It sounds positive, but when you try to think it, the feeling is going to be negative.

Why do I keep doing things I don't want to do?

Think about where in your life you're doing things you don't want to be doing. Or not doing something that you DO want to be doing. Underneath that are going to be those thought patterns that keep running on default, that are making it hard for anything to change.

If a thought feels true, doesn't that mean it is true?

No. Our thoughts are influenced by many things. Old beliefs we created in childhood are usually still running today, influencing our thoughts without us even knowing it. Those thoughts feel true because we're used to them. It has nothing to do with whether our thoughts are actually true, and everything to do with those thought patterns that feel safe and are efficient.

Can I actually change a thought I've had for years?

Just like a computer, you can reprogram your brain. You can challenge beliefs, you can change thoughts. A default thought is really just something that your brain has created, practiced, and become efficient at thinking. You can actually choose a new thought, and practise that one, until IT becomes the new default.

Is it normal for me to still have negative thoughts?

You're human, you are going to have negative thoughts, and positive ones, and that's part of life. I am not saying we should be trying to remove all of our negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts so that we can be happy all of the time, because life doesn't actually work like that.