How Can I Get My Partner To Set Boundaries With His Ex?

You've been trying to get your partner to set boundaries with his toxic ex – and getting nowhere.  Here's what actually works.

If your partner won’t set boundaries with his ex, it’s not because your needs aren’t important. It’s because he’s probably afraid of her and thinks avoiding conflict equals peace. Here's what you can do. 

First, try talking to him. Get specific about what you want. What would better boundaries look like? If talking is getting nowhere, then here’s the truth: sometimes he won’t see it until he has to. So then the best way you can actually help is stop trying to do things for him, and let him live with the consequences of his inactions.

Instead, lead by example. Because you don't need him to be all-in for things to change. When you stop trying to fix everything and start showing up differently – setting your own boundaries –  that can not only help you to not feel stuck, it shows him what’s possible for him too. Modelling the behaviour can be a powerful way to help someone else decide to change. 

Why won't my partner set boundaries with his ex?

Most ex partners of high conflict people have spent years walking on eggshells. They've learned that avoiding conflict equals peace. They also fear her reaction, especially if that might mean that she tries to restrict access to the children. He's learned that any attempt to set limits often backfired, so he concluded it's just not worth it. 

He might also feel powerless due to past custody trauma or emotional manipulation. Maybe her behaviour has become so normal that he doesn't realise how bad it's become. So when he says things like "there's no point – she'll do what she wants anyway" or "I don't want to make things worse for the kids", his actions make sense in context.

So then it becomes really hard for him to flip that around. To change, he has to be willing to be uncomfortable with his feelings, and to handle the conflict and escalation that comes with setting boundaries. That often seems harder than just avoiding the issue.

How do I talk to my partner about his ex without it turning into a fight?

I'm guessing you've tried talking to your partner before, but so often it leads to guilt or defensiveness on their part. And this can be tough because your partner likely already has these feelings just below the surface, and any mention just triggers them. They usually lead to shutting down and avoiding the conversation – and so nothing changes. 

So let's shift the conversation from 'why won't he listen?' to 'how do I speak so he can hear me?'" Here's how to approach it:

1. Pick your moment. Avoid the conversation when he's already triggered, tired, or when you're overwhelmed or frustrated. 

2. Focus on your partnership. Start with something like: "Can we talk about how we can handle things? I want us to be a team." 

3. Share your experience, Instead of criticizing his actions. Instead of saying: “Why are you always doing favours for her?” Try: “When you go over there during our time, I feel like our plans don’t matter.” You’re making it about how the behaviour affects you rather than why it’s wrong. 

4. Get specific about what you want. What would better boundaries look like? Work with your partner as a team. 

What if I've already tried everything and he still won't set boundaries?

The resentment you’re feeling is really common. You're the one who sees what needs to happen, and you're the one trying to fix it. Like many stepmums in this situation, you probably stepped in to help. But over time, helping became an expectation. And now, you’re probably the one holding things together and absorbing the cost of his inaction.

In this case, the best way you can help your partner is to stop trying to do things for him, and let him live with the consequences of his inactions. To stop being the one cushioning it. Because you helping him might actually be making it easier for him not to change. When you stop helping, he has to feel the full weight of the problem. Sometimes they don’t see it until they have to. So consider if it’s time to step back.

How do I step back when I'm stuck in the middle between my partner and his ex?

Stepping back doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re choosing not to be the one holding together a broken system. Start by asking yourself:

• What parts of the co-parenting am I managing that aren't mine?

• What's the impact on me of continuing to carry them? 

• What might actually happen if I dropped one of these roles?

  
  

You can say something to your partner like: "I support you, but I’m stepping back from answering her texts. When you engage with her, I'll step away and do something else."

If your partner pushes back, you can say “I get that this feels unfamiliar. But me being in the middle hasn’t fixed anything either. I trust you to take this on, and if you don’t, that’s ok. But I’m stepping out. I’d like to support you in other ways.”

Remember, just because you know how to fix something doesn't mean you should fix it. It's not your job to overcompensate for your partner's under co-parenting.

FAQs

Does my partner not setting boundaries with the ex mean he’s choosing her over me?

Feeling this way is completely normal. It’s not just a feeling unsupported, but that your life, your needs, your voice don’t matter. But the truth is, he’s not likely choosing her over you – he’s just so afraid of her, and this fear is overriding everything else. If he’s afraid, but still willing to set boundaries, see How Do I Set Boundaries With My Husband's Ex When I'm Terrified of What She'll Do?

What if things fall apart if I’m not stepping in to help?

It is true that things might get rocky when you step back. But they’re already rocky – you’re just the one hiding the cracks. And if things do fall apart? That’s not your failure. That’s a broken system showing itself honestly. And maybe that’s exactly what needs to happen for your partner to step up and for change to begin.

What if he resists when I talk to him?

You can say something like “I get that this is hard. I know you’re trying to keep the peace. I’m not trying to control your co-parenting. I just want us to have fair boundaries. I want our life to matter too."

What are some specific boundaries we can set together?

• No responding to non-urgent texts during family meals.

• No running errands for her during your time together.

• A shared script for when she oversteps.

You can't make your partner set boundaries with his ex. But you're not powerless either. You can step back and you can set your own limits. And you don't need anyone else to change for that.