Feel Like the Toxic Ex is Always Winning? How to Beat Her By Changing the Game

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It Feels Like She's Always Winning, Doesn't It?

Every time she gets away with something. Every time she lies and people believe her – it feels like the toxic ex is winning.

And you feel like if you don't stand up for yourself, if you don't fight back – then you lose. So you can't let her win, because that would mean you don't matter, that she gets to treat you however she wants, right?

But the more you fight, the more exhausted you become, and the more it feels like you're losing.

The Trap of Defending Yourself

I know you feel like you need to stand up for yourself. You feel what she's doing is unjust, and it's fair to feel that way.

But here's the truth: Every time you engage with her drama, every time you defend yourself, every time you try to prove she's wrong – you're playing her game. You're giving her exactly what she wants. She loves conflict and drama. It keeps her in control and gives her attention, relevance, and importance.

So if you're engaging with the drama to try and win, you're actually losing.

That's why this is so exhausting.

You Will Never Win at Her Game

You will never win a conflict with her. High conflict people are great at conflict – that's what they DO.

They're stuck in patterns of behaviour where nothing is ever their fault. No matter what you do, how reasonable your argument is, no matter how much evidence you have – they will spin the story or make it up completely to serve their own needs.

She's never going to see that you're right, and she's never going to change. You're wasting time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

And feeling like you always need to defend yourself so she doesn't 'win'? It's just making you miserable.

And she likes nothing more than to make you miserable.

The problem is that you're so focused on not letting her "get away with it" that you're accidentally sacrificing the very things you're trying to protect – your peace, your relationship, and your family's happiness.

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Redefining What Winning Actually Means

So let's redefine what a win actually looks like here (and I want to note that we're not talking about winning in court or custody battles here – that's a whole different conversation).

In normal situations, we might focus on outcomes – like resolving a dispute. But with high conflict people, that's not an option, because they don't want to resolve anything.

So we need a completely different definition of winning.

A win is not getting her to admit she's wrong. A win is not getting her to respect you.

The real win is to deny her what she actually wants – control, attention, relevance, and importance – and focus your energy on the things that really matter to you.

In order to do this, you have to let her have her thoughts and opinions, accept you cannot change her, and instead seek to minimise the influence of her behaviour on your life.

When you stop giving them the attention and reaction they crave, you remove their power. You starve them of their supply, and they have to go elsewhere to get it.

So you win by not playing the game. You win by building something beautiful while she's busy being destructive.

Take a Step Back and See the Reality

Here's something to consider: you're already winning. Your partner is with you. You're building a life together. That's already yours.

And honestly? It sucks to be someone who needs to control everyone else in order to feel okay. High conflict people are already losing – otherwise they wouldn't feel this desperate need for control.

So let her think she's winning. I have found that when they think they are winning, they're easier to deal with. And you can focus on more important things – your actual life.

Define What Winning Means for You

Here's what you can do: Define what 'winning' is for you in this situation. Make it a conscious choice.

Maybe it's:

• Having a peaceful evening with your family

• Enforcing your boundaries calmly and consistently

• Building a strong relationship with your stepchildren

• Creating a home full of warmth instead of tension

• Pursuing your own goals and interests

• Having energy left at the end of the day for the things you love

• Her being unimportant in my life.

  
  

Or maybe it's all of those things.

Whatever winning means to you, write it down. Remind yourself of this often. Especially when you feel that familiar pull to engage, to defend, to prove yourself.

When you redefine winning, you don't have to argue with her, both trying to win. You don't have to care what she thinks about it. You're just playing a totally different game – the game of your own life.

This Doesn't Mean Letting Her Get Away With Things

Redefining winning doesn't mean you let her get away with things. It doesn't mean you ignore real problems that have consequences for your family.

It just changes the way you approach the situation.

Instead of thinking "I need to teach her a lesson" or "I can't let her get away with that," it becomes "I am protecting myself and the things I care about from her behaviour."

This changes the entire experience for you. It changes your thoughts about the situation, and how you feel. It takes away the aggression and the angst, so you can be responsive, not reactive. It takes you from victim mode to empowered mode.

And from there, you make better decisions. About everything. Whether it's how to respond to a nasty text, how to handle a co-parenting issue, or whether to attend a family event.

Because you're focused on the bigger picture of what you actually want, not just reacting to what she's doing.

The Only Game Worth Playing

The next time you feel like she's winning and you're losing, remember this: you get to decide what the game is.

And the truth is, the only game worth playing is the one where you build the life you actually want.

That's how you actually win.

Want to Know For Sure if She's High Conflict?

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