Why Does She Act Like This? Understanding the High Conflict Ex

🎧 Prefer to listen?

Have you ever found yourself wondering why your partner's high conflict ex seems to make everything so difficult? Why simple conversations turn into arguments? Why plans are constantly derailed by last-minute changes? 

"Why can't she just be normal??"

It's exhausting, isn't it? Just when you think things might calm down, another storm arrives out of nowhere. Her behaviour often seems irrational and deliberately designed to make your life difficult.

But here's something that might change your perspective:

Her actions aren't about you at all.

They're part of a predictable pattern that serves a purpose for her, even while creating chaos for everyone else.

Understanding this pattern can be your first step toward freedom from the drama cycle.

What Is a High Conflict Ex?

The term ‘high conflict’ refers to a specific pattern of behaviour where the person escalates conflict instead of resolving it. The issues come and go, but they create the same conflicts over and over again, regardless of the situation or people involved.

This isn't about labelling someone as 'difficult' – it's about recognising a consistent pattern that explains why traditional approaches to communication and problem-solving don't work.

Is she high conflict, or just difficult? Find out for sure > TAKE THE FREE QUIZ

According to the High Conflict Institute, high conflict people (HCPs) typically display four core traits:

1. All-or-nothing thinking

   
   

HCP's see every situation in black and white. There’s no in-between, no compromise, no room for shared understanding. Therefore, compromise isn't an option.

To them, there's just one explanation for a problem (theirs) and one solution (theirs) that must be implemented immediately.

If they don’t get their way, they feel threatened, and they react. Even reasonable requests are met with extreme resistance.

2. Unmanaged emotions

   
   

HCPs have poor emotional control and often react excessively compared to the issue at hand. A minor inconvenience (like a late pickup) can trigger an explosion of texts, calls, and accusations.

These intense emotions override logical thinking and dominate decision making. They transform feelings into 'facts' ("I feel disrespected, therefore you must be disrespecting me").

Many dwell on the past, criticising others and focusing on how unfairly they’ve been treated, and repeat the same complaints endlessly to anyone who will listen.

They seem oblivious to the exhausting emotional impact they have on others.

3. Extreme behaviours

HCPs can’t cope if things don’t go their way. So when normal conflict tactics don't get them the control they want, they escalate to more extreme behaviours.

This might include making false allegations, involving police in routine parenting matters, spreading damaging rumours, withholding the children, engaging in ongoing harassment, or threatening legal action over minor issues.

4. Chronic Blame-Shifting

The most defining trait is preoccupation with blame.

HCP's need a "villain" so they can be the "victim", so they frequently and intensely attack others for anything that goes wrong, while seeing themselves as innocent and free of responsibility.

This blame shifting happens with such conviction that you might even start questioning yourself.

She genuinely believes she is the victim, not a participant in the problem.

Why Does She Act Like This?

Here's the truth: while it feels personal, this behaviour isn't about you.

It's the result of deeply ingrained personality patterns that exist regardless of you.

These behaviours stem from a combination of genetic personality traits, childhood experiences and past unresolved trauma.

High conflict people typically cannot see their own behaviour patterns, and genuinely believe they are the victims and simply responding to threats and attacks from others.

What seems like an overreaction about pickup times is actually about her internal world – fear, control, validation. These aren’t isolated flare-ups. They’re part of a cycle.

That’s why rational discussions rarely work.

The Mental Shift Stepmums Need

When you understand the pattern, you can begin to detach from the frustration.

Instead of asking "Why is she doing this to me?", you can think, "This is just what high conflict people do."

Instead of wondering why she sent a barrage of accusatory texts, you can think, "Of course she did. That's what she does when she feels threatened."

Instead of being shocked when she makes false allegations, you can see "This is normal when she doesn't get the response she wants."

It’s not about excusing harmful behaviour. It's about recognising that her actions follow a predictable pattern that has little to do with you (or even reality).

It's about freeing you from taking it personally and from exhausting yourself trying to change what you can't change.

Note: Please do not openly label people or use this information in conflict. It will make your life much more difficult if you do! This understanding is for your benefit so you can adapt your own behaviour.

Want to Know For Sure if She's High Conflict?

👉 Is she high conflict, or just difficult? Knowing what you’re dealing with is a game changer > TAKE THE FREE QUIZ