When His Family Still Talks to the Ex – What You Can Do
- Kellie Lindsay
- Oct 21
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 20
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Have you ever thought, “She’s still in – and I’m the outsider”?
You’re scrolling social media and there it is: a photo from your sister-in-law’s house. Your stepkids are there. So is their mum. All smiles, like one big happy family.
You feel like you’ve been punched in the gut.
“She’s not even part of this family anymore,” you think. “Why do they still treat her like she is?”
Or maybe it’s more subtle. Your mother-in-law casually mentions lunch with the ex because “she needed someone to talk to.” You nod politely – but inside, you’re reeling. Why is she comforting the woman who makes our lives hell?
This isn't just about awkward moments. It’s about rejection. You feel insignificant.
Like there’s no room for you in the family you’re supposed to be part of.
You’re Not Being to Sensitive
When his family still talks to the ex and includes her – it does feel like you don't belong. Like she’s taking up the place that should be yours.
Even in non high conflict situations, this can sting. But when you’re dealing with a manipulative ex? It's worse.
Because it's not about her just being friendly – high conflict people tend to maintain relationships through manipulation, and the family often can't see it.
Why the Ex Won’t Let Go
This isn’t about the kids. Or even about his family. It’s about control, identity, and relevance.
High conflict people can’t tolerate losing influence their ex, or the idea of being replaced. So when a relationship ends, they cling to whatever keeps them feeling relevant, important, and in control.
By staying close to his family, she gets:
Emotional leverage over her ex
Influence to shape how the family see things (including how they see you)
Validation (“See? They still like me!”)
Information she can use to stir drama or create problems for you.
The typical patterns they use to maintain their hold over the family are:
Manipulation Through Favour or Money
She positions herself as the generous one, and that creates a sense of debt. But this isn't generosity. She's buying their loyalty and using it to maintain her position.
Emotional Recruitment
She paints herself as the one who's been wronged. And his family responds with sympathy. They want to help.
Guilt, Loyalty and Emotional Control
She makes it emotionally difficult for them to step back, so they keep including her, because the alternative feels too uncomfortable.
Is she high conflict, or just difficult? Find out for sure > TAKE THE FREE QUIZ
Why His Family Still Talks to the Ex
It’s usually not about preferring her over you. It's usually because of:
Manipulation (they believe her victim stories and don’t see the patterns)
Guilt (over the divorce, the kids etc.)
Fear (of her retaliation if they cut ties)
Familiarity (she’s been around for years – it’s easier not to change)
The kids (they believe the kids will have more stability, or they will have more access to them).
How to Respond When His Family Includes the Ex
1. Stop Making It About You
Her continued presence doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, and it's not a reflection of whether you deserve to belong.
Separate their behaviour from your self-worth. You don’t need them to reject her in order to be accepted.
“Their relationship with her has nothing to do with your worth as a stepmum.”
2. Contain, Don’t Control
You can’t make his family cut contact. But you can make that connection less valuable to her by:
Asking your partner to request his family protects your household's privacy.
Limiting what information the family has access to (they less they have, the less they can pass on).
Responding calmly anytime they say anything about the ex: "Thanks, but we'd rather not discuss that". You don't need to explain or defend. Keep the drama low.
Containment reduces her fuel. Over time, when there's no information to pass along, no emotional reaction from you to feed off of, and no drama, her connection to his family may serve no more purpose to her.
3. Build Independent Relationships
Her presence doesn’t block yours. Focus on creating real, one-on-one connections with his family, without comparison or competition.
You’re not the “replacement.” You’re your own person. They can have relationships with both of you – and yours can be based on authenticity, not manipulation.
Focus on What You Can Control
Let go of what’s not yours to fix. Instead:
Control your access: skip events where she’s present if it bothers you.
Control your story: don’t let her lies define you – let your actions do that.
Control your circle: invest more energy in family members who value you.
You Don’t Need Them to Choose You
Her presence doesn’t erase yours.
You don’t need his family to cut her out in order to belong. You belong in your life, in your relationship, in your home.
Let her chase validation.
You’ve got more important things to do – like building a family that feels like home.
Want to Know For Sure if She's High Conflict?
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