How to Set Boundaries with a Toxic Ex (Even When You're Terrified)

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Have you ever felt torn between keeping the peace and standing up for yourself? You know if you set a boundary, she'll explode – but if you don't, you're left anxious, resentful, and feeling trapped.

Maybe you've tried being polite, tried ignoring her, tried standing firm – but no matter what you do, the high conflict ex just keeps pushing. She calls, she texts, she shows up unannounced, she inserts herself into every part of your life.

And perhaps you're lying awake at 2AM, running through every possible thing she could do if you upset her. 

So you calculate every move, edit every text three times before sending, and basically live your life trying not to trigger her.

When It's Time to Set a Boundary With a Toxic Ex

Ask yourself: Is her behaviour impacting my peace? My ability to enjoy my day? My relationship?

If the answer is yes, it's time.

These behaviours aren't small annoyances. They're patterns that drain your energy and steal your peace. 

That means it's time to start building some protective walls around your life.

Why Boundaries Are Essential with High Conflict People

The truth is – cooperating with high conflict people just doesn't work.

They're driven by unmanaged emotions and genuinely believe they're victims in every conflict.

Without clear limits, their behaviour escalates. Every time she gets a reaction, it teaches her that pushing harder works.

Boundaries change that – not by controlling her behaviour, but by setting limits that protect you. A boundary doesn't depend on her cooperation. It depends solely on your consistency.

Is she high conflict, or just difficult? Find out for sure > TAKE THE FREE QUIZ

What a Strong Boundary Actually Looks Like

A boundary is a personal rule that defines your emotional, physical, and mental space. It's like a fence you put around yourself, defining what behavior you will allow in your space, and how you will respond if your limit is crossed.

A boundary is NOT about controlling other people. It's about protecting yourself.

Example of a Strong Boundary

"If you message after 8PM, I will respond the next day."

This works because it's clear, doesn't require her cooperation, and you control the follow-through.

Boundaries Are NOT:

• A demand: "You can't call after 8pm"

• A threat: "If you keep badmouthing me to the kids, I'll tell them exactly what kind of person you really are!"

True boundaries focus on what YOU will do to protect yourself.

The Life-Changing Benefits of Boundaries

Without boundaries, your stress levels stay high. You're constantly on edge, waiting for the next explosion.

Boundaries protect your nervous system. They're like decisions you make in advance, so when drama happens, you don't need to decide what to do – you just follow your plan.

You get:

• Freedom to plan your week without last-minute chaos

• A sense of safety in your own home

• Better mood and relationships.

  
  

You Don't Need Your Partner On Board

Many stepmums tell me they can't get their partner on board with boundaries. Maybe their partner is afraid of backlash, overwhelmed, or has been bullied by their ex for so long they don't even try.

That doesn't mean YOU are stuck.

You can set personal boundaries to protect your own space:

• If she texts me directly, I won't engage

• When she calls, I'll step out of the room

  
  

Often, when stepmums hold their own boundaries, their partners see how effective it is and gain confidence to set some too.

How to Set Clear Boundaries

Every boundary has two parts:

1. The limit or request – what you're clarifying

2. The consequence – what you will do if the limit is crossed

Effective Boundary Examples:

• "We're only available for texts about the kids' health or schedules. Personal topics won't get a response."

• "If the conversation becomes disrespectful, I'll hang up."

• "Please give us 24 hours notice for schedule changes. Less than 24 hours means we stick to the original plan."

  
  

Notice there are no demands. It's all about what YOU will do.

You don't always need to communicate a boundary. You can simply enact one, especially personal boundaries like "If she texts, I won't answer."

If you do communicate it, deliver it once, calmly. No long explanations that she'll use as ammunition. Your boundary is for you, not for her.

Handling the Inevitable Backlash

She will test your boundary. That's not a sign you did it wrong – it's proof you're doing it right.

High conflict people don't like boundaries because they want to be in control.

Remember: Her reaction to your boundary is evidence that you need it.

Expect angry texts, attempts to negotiate your boundary,  guilt trips, threats of court action etc. 

Your only job is to follow through on the consequence you set.

Your Fears About What She'll Do

Many stepmums and their partners don't set boundaries because they fear being taken back to court, the kids being turned against them, false allegations, etc. 

Because let's be honest – high conflict people use every tool available to maintain control. 

But giving in to prevent escalation doesn't work. In fact, it makes things worse.

Every time you give in to avoid her escalating, you're teaching her that threats work. You're showing her exactly how to control you.

And by never setting boundaries, you're actually making yourself more vulnerable. When you finally have to say no, she'll be enraged because you've broken her control – and you'll have no pattern of behaviour to point to as evidence that her behaviour is the problem.

Is avoiding the possibility of her escalation worth living this way forever? 

Instead of living in fear, you need a completely different approach that acknowledges the real risks without letting them control you.

Because here’s the truth. You cannot control whether she escalates. High conflict people don't need real reasons –  they create them.

What you CAN control is your response and preparation.

Your Protection Protocol

Note: my FREE Escalation-Proof Boundary Planner will help you with the below planning.

Think about a boundary you want to set, but are afraid to. Start by creating a list of what you're afraid of happening.

For example: "She'll call child protection and say we're abusing the kids."

Now write down:

1. What you can do to prepare for it

2. What you will actually do if it happens

This makes it a problem to solve, not a catastrophe to avoid.

Here’s some ideas to help you:

1. What You Can Do to Prepare

• Documentation is your best friend. Use a court-approved communication app. Keep a simple log of incidents, and screenshot texts. Patterns matter, and high conflict people always create patterns.

• Build your support team now. This means:

  • Having at least a consultation with a family lawyer so you know your rights

  • Having a therapist who understands high conflict dynamics

  • Having trusted friends who can be witnesses if needed.

• Create response templates so you're prepared. Decide in advance that you won't engage with threats. Keep responses neutral: "We'll continue following the agreement" or "Noted. Please refer any legal concerns to my lawyer."

2. What You Will Do if it Happens

Sometimes they do follow through on threats. So here's my suggested game plan, which you can modify:

• Step 1: Don't react immediately. Your body will go into fight or flight mode (this is normal) – take 24 hours to calm down.

• Step 2: Use your pre-prepared templates to respond (if you need to respond at all).

• Step 3: Document everything.

• Step 4: Use your support system. Don't face this alone.

• Step 5: Follow through on your boundary consequences.

Your Boundary Journey Starts Now

Boundaries with a toxic ex work, but only if you hold them. That means following through consistently, even when it's uncomfortable.

If you find yourself afraid and struggling to enforce boundaries, know that's completely normal. 

To help you, I've created a freebie which walks you through setting one boundary and preparing for her backlash. It's got fill-in-the-blank templates and scripts to help you know what to say.

👉  Grab my FREE Escalation-Proof Boundary Planner, so you can set your first boundary TODAY and know exactly what to do when she pushes back. 

My Top 10 Boundary Tips

1. Get clear on what needs a boundary

   Notice where her behaviour consistently impacts your personal space – physically, emotionally, or mentally.

2. Set boundaries you can enforce

   Choose boundaries you can uphold yourself, without requiring another person's cooperation. Start small and build from there.  

3. Keep it simple

   A boundary has two parts: the limit or request, and the consequence if it's crossed.

4. Focus on what you want, not what you don't

   Instead of: "Stop calling me every time the kids have a minor issue!" Try: "Please save calls for genuine emergencies. If you call about non-emergencies, we will end the conversation immediately."

5. Make consequences clear and credible

   Make sure your consequence is something you actually have control over and are prepared to follow through with. Empty threats teach her your boundaries aren't serious.

6. Communicate the boundary clearly – once

   Less is more with high conflict people. A simple, direct statement without emotion is more effective than detailed explanations she'll use against you.

7. Avoid giving threats

   Threats try to control another person's behavior. True boundaries focus on what you'll do to protect yourself, not punishments you'll inflict.

8. Prepare for backlash

   High conflict people don't like boundaries. Expect her to test them repeatedly. Set up your protection plan in advance (grab my FREE Escalation-Proof Boundary Planner to help you.)

9. Follow through consistently

   Have a plan ready – either a prepared response or simply implement your boundary without discussion. Don't respond from anger or frustration. Enforce your boundary from a place of self-care, not conflict.

10. Your boundaries aren't open for debate or approval

    You don't need her permission to protect your wellbeing. You don't need to convince her your boundaries are reasonable or fair.