How to Respond to Her Toxic Messages (Without Spiralling)

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You were having a good day. Then her name popped up on your phone.

One message – that’s all it takes and suddenly you’re spiralling, obsessing over your reply, and questioning your every word.

But no matter what you do, or how you reply – it seems anything you do makes it worse.

If this sounds familiar, it's not because you're failing. It's because you're dealing with a high conflict person. And the 'rules' are different.

The problem is that high conflict people are not interested in resolving anything, they're interested in increasing conflict.

So responses that would work with most people just backfire with high conflict people.

Is she high conflict, or just difficult? Find out for sure > TAKE THE FREE QUIZ

Why Her Toxic Messages Hit so Hard

In a coaching session, a stepmum told me: “It doesn’t matter how neutral I try to be. She twists everything into an attack.”

When you anticipate an attack, your body immediately goes into protection mode, triggering a fight-or-flight response before you've even read what she's written.

You're not overreacting. This is what happens when you're dealing with a high conflict person. They’re extremely good at pushing emotional buttons.

But here's the problem: when you're in that triggered state, your rational brain goes offline. Instead of responding, you react. Emotionally.

And with high conflict people? Emotional reactions fuel them, and the drama increases.

The CLEAR Communication Framework

After years of helping stepmoms navigate toxic messages, I've developed a 5-step method that completely removes you from the drama cycle.

I call it the C.L.E.A.R Communication Framework.

Here's how it works:

C - Centre yourself before responding. Don't text when you're triggered. Your nervous system needs to reset first.

L - Limit to what's relevant. Strip out everything except the actual logistics. Remove the personal attacks, accusations, and emotional manipulation until you're only left with the relevant issue (if there is one).

E - Evaluate for a response. Ask yourself: does this actually need a reply? Is there an issue to respond to? Often, silence is the most powerful response.

A - Answer briefly and neutrally (if needed). Keep it factual, remove all emotion, give her nothing to grab onto.

R - Release the exchange. Walk away mentally. Don't reread, don't anticipate her response, don't replay it in your head.

Why This Works

The CLEAR method works because it removes what high conflict people are actually seeking – your emotional reaction.

When you stop providing that reaction, the behavior becomes less rewarding for them. You're literally starving the drama of its fuel source.

But the real challenge is when you're staring at a message and you need to craft a response, and you know you should "stay calm" but you don't know how or exactly what to say that won't make it worse.

Grab the Full CLEAR Communication Guide

I created a full guide that covers how to use this method, including a decision tree, copy-paste scripts and real-world examples that show you exactly what to say. It's a game changer for you and your patner.

👉 Download the free CLEAR Communication Guide, and I'll also give you access to an exclusive private podcast episode where I coach you through the toughest scenarios.