How to Respond to her Toxic Messages

🎧 Prefer to listen? You can hear the full discussion in Podcast Episode 4 – How to Respond to Her Toxic Messages

One message from her can throw off your entire day

You might be going about your morning, feeling good, and then – ping. A text from your partner's ex. Suddenly, your heart is racing and you're spiraling into that all-too-familiar anxiety.

You spiral, replay the message in your head, try to write the perfect response.

But no matter what you do, or how you reply – it seems anything you do makes it worse.

If this sounds familiar, it's not because you're failing. It's because you're dealing with a high conflict person. And the 'rules' are different.

The problem is that high conflict people are not interested in resolving anything, they're interested in increasing conflict.

So responses that would work with most people just backfire with high conflict people.

Why Her Toxic Messages Hit so Hard

When that notification pops up, your body immediately goes into protection mode. Your nervous system floods you with stress hormones, triggering that fight-or-flight response before you've even read what she's written.

You're not overreacting. You're not being too sensitive. This is what happens when you're dealing with a high conflict person.

This isn't weakness – it's biology.

But here's the problem: when you're in that triggered state, your rational brain goes offline. Instead of responding, you react. Emotionally.

And with high conflict people? Emotional reactions fuel them, and the drama increases.

The goal isn't to win. It's to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

The CLEAR Communication Framework

After years of helping stepmoms navigate these impossible situations, I've developed a 5-step method that completely removes you from the drama cycle.

I call it the C.L.E.A.R Communication Framework.

Here's how it works:

C - Centre yourself before responding. Don't text when you're triggered. Your nervous system needs to reset first, or you'll just feed the conflict.

L - Limit to what's relevant. Strip out everything except the actual logistics. Remove the personal attacks, accusations, and emotional manipulation.

E - Evaluate for a response. Ask yourself: does this actually need a reply? Often, silence is the most powerful response.

A - Answer briefly and neutrally (if needed). Keep it factual, remove all emotion, give her nothing to grab onto.

R - Release the exchange. Walk away mentally. Don't reread, don't anticipate her response, don't replay it in your head.

Why This Actually Works

The CLEAR method works because it removes what high conflict people are actually seeking: your emotional reaction.

When you stop providing that reaction, the behavior becomes less rewarding for them. You're literally starving the drama of its fuel source.

But knowing the framework is just the first step. The real challenge comes when you're staring at a message that attacks everything you care about, and you need to craft a response that doesn't make things worse.

That's where most people get stuck. They know they should "stay calm" but they don't know what that actually looks like in practice.

The Bottom Line

You can't control what she sends, but you can control how you respond.

The CLEAR method isn't about being perfect -- it takes practice. But when you have a clear system to follow, you stop feeling powerless against her chaos.

When you know exactly how to respond (or not respond), those messages lose their ability to derail your entire day.

Your Next Step

The framework is just the beginning. What you really need are the specific scripts, templates, and real-world examples that show you exactly what to say in every scenario.

That's why I've created a complete implementation guide with copy-paste responses for every type of toxic message you'll receive – from guilt trips to threats to false accusations.

Download the free CLEAR Communication Guide with 10 ready-to-use responses and get access to an exclusive private podcast episode where I walk through advanced strategies for the toughest situations. Because knowing what to do is one thing. Having the exact words ready when you need them? That changes everything.

🎧 Prefer to listen? You can hear the full discussion in Podcast Episode 4 – How to Respond to Her Toxic Messages