How to Hold Your Boundaries With the Ex When It Gets Hard

You set a boundary. You meant it. Then the ex lost her s**t, your partner caved, and you backed down. Now you're back where you started.

Except now there's also the resentment. At her. At him. At yourself.

So you think – ok next time I'll hold it. And you mean that too. But next time comes, and the same thing happens.

Here's the thing. The reason this is happening is not just because boundaries are hard. It's because we don't actually know how to hold a boundary.

Holding a boundary is a skill. And today, I'm going to show you how to do it.

KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR STEPMUMS

• A boundary is 20% the limit and 80% the consequence you set, but most of us are putting all our energy into the 20%.

• There are 5 main reasons we abandon our boundaries – our partner's support, fear of retaliation, our own wiring, what we're making it mean about us, and 'exception creep' (we make an exception that sets a precedent).

• Holding a boundary requires a plan made in advance – it's not a decision made in the heat of the moment when the pressure is on.

• If you've tried and failed before, the answer isn't to give up on the boundary – it's to review it, then work on the parts where you need to, and keep going.

LINKS & RESOURCES

For help on how to change a thought:

→ Ep 47: How to Finally Step Back from the Drama… & Stay There (Part 3/3)

To identify how the ex might retaliate and a make plan to manage it:

→ Ep 13: Setting Boundaries With the Ex When You're Terrified of What She’ll Do 

→ The Escalation-Proof Boundary Planner helps you create a boundary and know exactly what to do when she pushes back.