Getting to Yes – How to Negotiate with a High Conflict Ex

We all try our best to work around the high-conflict ex so we don't have to make requests. We schedule family events on our time, sign up for activities that don't need her input, plan trips that don't require schedule changes. But sometimes, it's unavoidable. The wedding falls on her weekend. The sport season crosses both households. The family reunion can't be moved. And so you have to ask.

You've rehearsed it in your head a dozen times… the perfect way to ask. Polite, reasonable, with plenty of notice. You even have backup dates ready. But before you've finished your first sentence, you already know what's coming. That automatic "no" from her, delivered with such certainty it's like she was waiting for the chance to shut you down.

In today's episode, I'm revealing the five-part approach for making requests of a high conflict ex that actually increases your chances of getting a yes. Because when you understand the psychology behind her need to refuse everything, you can start working with it instead of against it.

Why does it have to be this hard? 

I remember hearing from a stepmom whose partner's sister was getting married. The wedding fell on the bio mom's weekend. So three months before, they asked politely if they could switch weekends. They offered to trade any weekend she wanted. They even offered to give her an extra day. They explained how important this was for the family, how excited the kids were about being flower girls.

Her response came back within minutes. "Absolutely not. The custody agreement is the custody agreement." No discussion. No consideration. Just an immediate, firm no.

They tried again, this time offering to cover her weekend trip costs if she had plans. They even had the bride herself reach out. Each time, the same answer. No.

If you've been there, if you've felt that crushing frustration of trying to negotiate with someone who seems to enjoy refusing everything, you know how it feels. You start dreading having to ask for anything. You know she'll say no, but you have to try anyway. And every time she refuses something reasonable that would actually benefit the kids, you feel that anger building. Why does it have to be this hard? 

Understanding the Psychology

Here's what's really happening when she automatically says no to everything, and why your reasonable approaches usually don’t work. 

When you're dealing with a high conflict person, you're dealing with someone who can’t compromise. They are rigid, defensive and unable to self-reflect.

Their fiercely defensive behavior tends to be driven by underlying fears, which they cannot see themselves, and they are easily triggered.

While you're trying to engage their problem-solving left brain with logic and reason, they're stuck in their reactive right brain – in a permanent state of fight-or-flight.

This means they experience your request - any request – as a threat to them in some way. Not logically, but emotionally. Their brain immediately goes into defensive mode, and they literally cannot access the problem-solving part of their brain that would allow them to consider your reasonable suggestions. 

This is why she gets satisfaction from conflict while you're exhausted by it. She thinks conflict is normal and necessary. She approaches every situation as a victim who needs to defend herself. 

And she has no insight into this behaviour – she literally cannot see that she's the one creating the problem. 

What fails with HCP’s

So the normal ways we negotiate with most people just fail with high-conflict people.

Usually, when someone is being unreasonable, we try harder to reason with them. We explain more. We provide more evidence. We appeal to their sense of fairness or their love for the children. But with high conflict people, the more you explain, the more threatened they feel. The more you push, the harder they push back.

You can’t use reason or try to appeal to her emotions.You can’t ask her how she feels about it or why she feels that way. This seems reasonable, but all of these things just keep her in her reactive brain. It may seem to make sense to you to say ‘the kids would really enjoy it’ but what she hears is ‘the kids will have a better time with us than you, and you’re a terrible mother’.

Here are the common approaches that fail:

• Trying to give them insight into their behaviour - They won't see it and will instead become highly defensive. Their brain literally can't process self-reflection. They see this as an attack. So things like "can't you see that this is best for the children" is doomed to fail.

• Engaging with emotions - This just pours fuel on the fire. They carry around a lot of unresolved emotion, so when you engage their emotions in any way, they feel vulnerable and weak.

• Mentioning the past - The more they talk about the past, the deeper they get into their beliefs that it's other people's fault and they have to defend themselves.

• Trying to persuade them with logical arguments - This will be interpreted as a threat because you're disagreeing with them. You might think you're explaining, but it feeds the conflict for them.

  
  

Working With Their Brain, Not Against It

So how do you work with this? You can't fight her psychology - you have to use it. 

The key is to get her out of her emotional brain, where she is often stuck. When she’s stuck there, she will see you as attacking and her as defending, and anything you say is suspicious and a threat. You need to shift her from defensive reacting to logical problem solving. 

And how do we do this? I’ll give you my five-part approach for making requests that increases your chances of getting a yes.

Part One: Time It Strategically

Timing isn't just about giving enough notice. It's about understanding her emotional patterns and using them to your advantage. 

All high conflict people have predictable patterns. Maybe she's always in a better mood on Sundays. Maybe she's more agreeable right after she's had a win somewhere else in her life. Maybe she’s overwhelmed in the mornings when she has the kids.

Pay attention to these patterns. When has she actually said yes to things? What was happening in her life at that time? Keep notes if you have to. Once you identify the pattern, use it. I did a podcast on tracking her patterns in episode 5, and you can download my simple tracking tool (Grab the "Drama Tracker).

Avoid times when you know she'll be triggered. Don't ask for schedule changes right after a court hearing. Don't request anything when she's already escalated about something else. 

In my experience, the best time is when she’s feeling ‘in control’ about something else. 

Part Two: Keep Them in Problem-Solving Mode

The key to negotiating with a high conflict person is getting them out of their emotional, reactive brain and keeping them focused on problem-solving. 

To do this, you need to avoid anything to do with emotions entirely, and instead focus on thinking and doing, which is when they feel better.

• You focus on "what to do" and present everything as neutral, not emotional issues.

• You make it about logistics and choices, not about feelings or fairness or who's right. 

• You focus entirely on the future, not the past. Don't say "Like we agreed last time" or "You said you'd be flexible about birthdays." Stay entirely in the future: "Going forward, here are the options."

They generally feel better when they’re engaged in the task than when they are focusing on how badly they feel.

Because the moment it becomes emotional, you've lost them.

Part Three: Frame It as Her Choice

High conflict people need to feel like they're in control, and they want to do things their way. Often, they will only accept decisions when they have participated in making the decision. 

So instead of asking for what you want directly, give her a choice so she feels more in control. Think of 2 or 3 options to present to her. ​​

But do it strategically. Present at least one option she’s likely to say yes to. And knowing what she’s more likely to say yes to helps. For example, does she usually accept extra time with the kids, but never wants to give you extra time? Then frame one of the options in a way that benefits her. Yes, it would be ideal if you didn’t have to give her extra time, but it’s better to present a clear choice she’s likely to agree with, rather than argue with her. 

Don’t focus on what you want, or what the kids want. Focus on what SHE wants - which is usually neither of those things. 

An additional benefit to presenting a few options means she’s made the choice and then cannot use her choice against you later. 

Part Four: Present Proposals 

When you do make a direct request, present it as a proposal using the structure: What, When, and Where. This comes from the High Conflict Institute when they talk about mediating with high conflict people. 

Present options as suggestions about what they should do, rather than what they should not do. Don't involve emotions, don't ask her how she feels, just present some choices for her and focus her on the task. 

Also avoid using something else that she wants as leverage. Using the "I'll agree to this if you agree to that" can backfire because it puts you in control and not her. And she cannot handle that.

Part Five: Use brief and neutral communication throughout

Use clear, concise language. Make it clean, factual and neutral, providing ONLY the essential information needed. The less words, the better. Nothing she can grab onto to escalate with. 

But also be polite enough to keep things calm. If you need help with how to write a good message, I did a communication guide that will help you through how to send a message briefly and neutrally. Grab your copy of How to Communicate with a High Conflict Ex.

When she responds

When you get her response, here is what to do, and not to do. 

Don’t

• Don’t argue with her - it will not persuade her, it will just reinforce their view that you are a threat.

• Don't give negative feedback, especially about her behaviour. 

• Don’t ask why - that usually triggers defensiveness. 

What do to:

• If she says she will think about it, ask her when she will have an answer. 

• If she says no to your options, ask her what her proposal is. E.g. "What's your proposal for handling the weekend of the 15th?" This forces her to move from just refusing to engaging in problem-solving.

• If she raises concerns, listen and acknowledge them, without agreeing to them. Unless she feels heard, she cannot work with you on solutions. An example of a good response is "I hear that you have concerns about changes." This makes her feel heard, but doesn’t escalate the drama. Then move to asking her what her proposal is. So what this looks like is "I hear that you have concerns about changes. What do you propose going forward?”

• If she offers another proposal, don’t argue with it. Simply say yes, no, or you’ll think about it.

• Have another back up proposal ready, just in case, to keep the negotiation moving forward.

  
  

Scripts That Actually Work

Now let me give you some specific examples of how all this works together.

Example 1: The Family Wedding

First, the timing: You wait until after she's had a "win" - maybe the kids just had a great report card, and she's feeling good about her parenting.

Think about the outcome you want, and then think about how you can frame it to give an attractive option for her. 

Then make your proposal with options: 

"The kids have been invited to be at their aunt's wedding on July 15th. Here are two options: Option A: Kids go to the wedding Saturday, return Sunday at 6pm, and you get them for our full week in August. Option B: Kids go Saturday only, and we’ll return them Saturday night, and you can have them the whole weekend following. What works best for you?”

Example 2: Sports Sign-Up 

The proposal might be "Soccer registration closes Friday. Here are three options: Option A: The kids join the league near you, and you handle your days' transport. Option B: They join the league near us, and we handle all transport including your days. Option C: They skip this season. Which do you prefer?"

If she objects to anything, you say: "We hear your concerns. What activities would you propose for them instead?"

Example 3: Strategic Timing for Holiday Requests

A good time for this is when she's planning her own holiday and needs flexibility.

"For December 24-26, two options: Option A: Regular schedule stays as is. Option B: Kids with you 24th-25th, with us 26th-27th. Let us know by December 1 which works better."

You're not mentioning you want them for a family gathering on the 26th. You’re just presenting neutral options where one benefits her (which is extra time on Christmas) while also getting you what you need (which is the 26th).

When She Still Says No

But here's the reality. Even with neutral proposals, she's still going to say no sometimes. Maybe even most of the time. 

So we’re going to talk about making her "no" powerless to ruin your day.

First, always have a Plan B before you make the proposal. Never put all your emotional eggs in the basket of her saying yes. If you're asking to switch weekends for a wedding, have a plan for how you'll celebrate with the kids if she says no. Maybe you do a special wedding party the next weekend. Maybe you have the bride record a special message for them.

The point is, her "no" doesn't have to mean total disappointment. It just means you move to Plan B. And when you have a solid Plan B, the asking becomes less stressful because you know you're covered either way, and you’re less likely to react emotionally. 

Second, keep a record of every reasonable proposal you make and every refusal she gives. Not to use as ammunition, but for two reasons: One, it reminds you that you're not crazy, that you're making reasonable proposals, because we all know they have a way of twisting things until even you start to think you’re the problem. And two, if you ever need to show a pattern of uncooperative behavior in court, you have it.

Here's what that documentation might look like:

• "March 15: Proposed swap for sister's wedding. Offered three alternative weekends. Response: No."

• "April 2: Proposed soccer enrollment, offered to handle all logistics. Response: No."

• "May 10: Proposed extra hour for child's friend's birthday. Response: No."

Third, and this is the hardest one, when she says no, you respond with something like, "Thanks for letting us know. We'll stick with the regular schedule." That's it.

Closing

So here's your takeaway. When you're dealing with someone who lives to say no, you now understand why. She's not being reasonable because she can't be - her brain is stuck in reactive mode, seeing threats everywhere, unable to allow compromise.

But you also now have a way that works with her psychology instead of against it. Time your proposal for when she's least reactive. Present options that give her control while getting you what you need. Keep every communication brief and neutral. 

But maybe more importantly, make peace with the no. Document the pattern and implement your Plan B. And make it amazing, because the best response is having a great time anyway.