Is My Partner's Ex Actually High Conflict or Just Difficult?

She's nice one day, toxic the next. So is your husband's ex high conflict or just difficult? Knowing makes all the difference – here's how to tell. 

High conflict people have a pattern of behaviour that is different to just being ‘difficult. They always return to the same four predictable behaviour patterns: a preoccupation with blaming others, black and white thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviours. 

While they can act calm or reasonable, that is generally the exception to the pattern and is often connected to periods when they feel in control or they’re getting what they want. So the answer is in the patterns – not individual incidents. If she’s high conflict, you’ll see those four behaviours show up consistently again and again. 

Below, I walk through real scenarios and show you how a high conflict person is likely to behave – see how many you recognise. You can also take my High Conflict Quiz to find out for sure.

She always blames you and never once takes any responsibility

For a high conflict person, nothing is ever their fault. If they're late for pickup, it's because you didn't remind them. If the kids are struggling, it's because of your household. They literally cannot take responsibility.

Say the kids left their homework at dad's house. A reasonable person, even on a bad day, might be frustrated. They might send a text saying, "This is the third time this month. We really need a better system." Maybe a bit accusatory, but still focused on solving the problem.

But a high conflict person? Even on a good day, they can't help but make it about blame. "This wouldn't happen if you people were more organised." There may also include a moral edge – like "It's irresponsible" – or a status play – like "I'm the only one keeping on top of school stuff." 

The key here is the blame – it's never about solving the problem. It's about establishing that you're wrong and they're right.

She refuses to compromise on anything

With a high conflict person, there's no middle ground, no compromise. The parenting schedule either works exactly as they want, or it's completely unacceptable. The term “my way or the highway” comes to mind. This is black and white thinking and it’s very typical high conflict behaviour. 

Say you suggest a different bedtime routine that's been working well at your house. A reasonable person might still disagree strongly. "I really prefer my way, but I guess I can see how that might work too." They may have opinions, maybe even strong ones, but there's still some flexibility, some acknowledgment that there might be more than one right way.

A high conflict person thinks there's only one right way – theirs. Their response will be along the lines of "This is the only proper way to handle bedtime." There is no possibility that both approaches could work.

Her reactions seem completely out of proportion to what actually happened

We all have bad days and moments where we don't handle things well. Even the most reasonable person might send an angry text when they're stressed, or get defensive when they feel criticised. That's human. But for high conflict people, the emotional responses are usually way out of proportion to what's happening. A forgotten water bottle can trigger rage. A schedule change can cause a meltdown.

Say there's a minor schedule change – you need to pick up the kids 30 minutes later than usual. A reasonable person might be annoyed. They might even complain. "This is really inconvenient. I wish you'd given me more notice." But the reaction matches the situation – it's proportionate. 

With a high conflict person, the emotional reaction seems disproportionate, and usually, contains blame. An example is a barrage of abusive messages with accusations like "Unacceptable. You never consider their needs!!" It’s those consistent over-the-top reactions that give this one way. 

She acts all nice in public but then sends horrible messages later

Picture this: you're at the school concert. She's there, chatting with other parents, laughing with the teacher. She even gives you a friendly wave. You think, "Maybe things are getting better. Maybe I've been too harsh in my judgment."

Then later that night she sends you a message accusing you of undermining her parenting and trying to steal her children's love. You're left staring at your phone thinking… is this the same person who just smiled at me four hours ago?

If she's high conflict, public warmth doesn't continue in private. She's a different person without an audience watching. If this behaviour is showing up consistently – it’s very indicative. 

She makes even a simple schedule change into a massive drama 

You ask to pick the kids up a few hours early so they can make a birthday party. You give plenty of notice. A difficult person might initially resist. "Ugh, seriously? This is really inconvenient." But if it's genuinely important, they'll usually come around. "Fine, but you owe me one." 

But a high conflict person sees every request as an opportunity for control. Even if the change doesn't affect them at all, they'll find a way to make it difficult. They might say they need to "check their calendar" and then never get back to you. Or they'll agree, but then "forget". Or they'll use it as leverage: "I'll do this if you agree to..." It's never just about the request. It's about power.

She ignores your boundaries but expects you to follow hers exactly

A difficult person might push against a boundary initially. Let's say you've asked them not to call after 8pm. They might argue that they, “have a right to talk to the kids whenever they want." But ultimately, even if they don't like it, they can respect that different households have different rules.

A high conflict person? They see boundaries as personal attacks. So if you say, "Please don't call after 8pm or the kids won't answer," they hear, "You're a terrible mother who doesn't deserve to talk to her own children." They'll violate the boundary repeatedly, not because they forget, but because they fundamentally believe your boundaries don't apply to them. 

And here's the thing that really gives it away – they expect their boundaries to be ironclad while yours are suggestions. They can demand you don't post photos of the kids on social media while plastering them all over their own feeds. They can insist on knowing every detail of your household while sharing nothing about theirs.

FAQs

Does it actually matter whether she's high conflict or just difficult? 

Yes! If she’s high conflict, you have to learn a new way to deal with her – strategies designed specifically for high conflict people. Trying to reason with her, trying to find middle ground, trying to explain your perspective – none of that will work. In fact, it usually makes things worse.

What if she's been calm for weeks and then suddenly flips out – does that mean she's not high conflict? 

Many high conflict people have days, weeks, even months where they seem reasonable. But the reasonable moments are the exception in what is otherwise a pattern of high conflict behaviour.

Can high conflict behaviour also be subtle? 

Not all high conflict behaviour is obvious – it can look like sabotaging your plans at the last minute, or having mysterious "emergencies" every time you have something special planned. 

Once you know what you're dealing with, you can stop second-guessing yourself or hoping that if you just find the right words, things will get better – and you can start with strategies that actually work.