How Do I Stop Backing Down On My Boundaries?

You keep setting boundaries with your husband's ex – and then backing down. Here's why your boundaries keep failing and how to hold them when it gets hard.

More stepmums need to be setting boundaries to protect us from the behaviour of the high conflict ex. But what usually happens is, we set a boundary, and then we go back on the boundary and nothing actually changes. Boundaries are, at their core, a personal rule that defines your space, or your limit, and a statement of what action you will take if your limit is crossed. 

There’s two main reasons why your boundaries are failing – either the boundary isn’t actually a proper boundary, or the consequence isn't being followed through on. The way to hold boundaries is to set a boundary that has a limit and a consequence that you can enforce, and then make a plan on how you are going to enforce the consequence when it gets hard. 

Why do I set a boundary and then back down after only a few days?

In many cases, it’s because you've not set a proper boundary that you’re able and willing to follow through on. Most people set boundaries when they’ve hit their limit, they’re overwhelmed, and at the point of I just can't do this anymore. They say something like "I'm done, you deal with it".

The problem is, this isn’t a proper boundary because there is no consequence you can use to enforce it with. And because you set it during a moment of high emotion, you feel like the emotion from that moment will carry you through. But that emotion isn't going to last, and then you have nothing to back it up. It might last a few days, but then what?

Your ability to hold the boundary should not be contingent upon how you feel in the moment. And a lot of the time, that is what's happening. Then the ex reacts or our partner pressures us or the kids are upset, and then we find ourselves backing down. 

How do I set a boundary with the ex?

A boundary is not a heat-of-the-moment decision. It requires a bit of planning. It is made up of the limit or request, and the consequence - that part you will enforce if the limit is crossed. See What Makes a Good Boundary With a High Conflict Ex?

I recommend that you set yourself some time to actually sit down and think about what you want this boundary to look like and how you are going to enforce it. And start with this. What is it that you need protection from when it comes to the high conflict ex? 

I see two categories of protective boundaries:

1. The first is reducing contact. That's things like not attending handovers, not being the one who communicates with her, or only communicates at specific times. These look like: “I will no longer communicate directly with the ex. If she attempts communication, I will not respond”

2. The second is reducing exposure. That's things like not staying in arguments about her, and not being exposed to every detail of every conflict. It looks like this:  “I will only talk about the ex for 10 minutes a day. If the conversation goes longer, I will leave the room”

   
   

Once you know what kind of boundary you want, then you can think about what the consequence is, as in what you will do if that limit is crossed. 

Why are boundaries so hard to hold?

The main reason is because we’re not prepared to follow through and enforce the consequences we set. This is usually because of one or more of the following five obstacles: 

1. Your partner's lack of support. If he's conflict-avoidant, he might call your boundary selfish or frame it as you causing the problem. Without support at home, holding the boundary becomes much harder.

2. Fear of retaliation from the ex. High conflict people do not like boundaries and they often push back – abusive messages, false allegations, court threats, using the kids. That pressure can make dropping the boundary feel like the only option.

3. Your own wiring. If you have trouble upsetting people, even when that person is the one causing the problem, this is going to add an extra layer of difficulty.

4. What you're making it mean about you – the guilt, the shame, the fear of being seen as selfish or mean or anti-child.

5. Exception creep. Many boundaries fail though what look like reasonable one-offs. But then the exception turned into a new expectation, and became the precedent. 

How can I actually hold my boundaries when it gets hard?

You need a plan about how you are going to overcome the obstacles standing in the way of you holding your boundary. That way, you are much more likely to follow through. Here’s how to do it. Think about what boundary you want to set.

Then, identify which of the following common obstacles you’re struggling with in relation to that boundary:

1. Your partner’s support – is he likely to support you?

2. Fear of retaliation from the ex – what is she likely to do?

3. Your own wiring - are you a people pleaser or conflict avoider? How hard is it for you as a person to hold boundaries when it gets hard?

4. What you’re likely to make the boundary mean about you – are you likely to think it mean you’re selfish or mean, for example?

5. Exception creep – or more specifically, are you likely to make exceptions to your boundary?

   
   

Then, take each thing on your list and think, if this happens, what can I do about it? How can I make it possible for me to hold the boundary? Write that down. This then becomes your boundary plan. 

Why do I feel guilty when I try to hold my boundaries with the ex?

Most of us grew up with an unspoken rule that “ignoring people is rude” and “kind people don't ignore other people”. So every time you don't respond to her, you're breaking the rule. And it would be normal for that to show up as guilt. Especially if she’s saying “how could you ignore me, this is so upsetting”, or if your partner isn't supporting you. 

This can present itself as guilt, shame, a fear of being seen as selfish, jealous, insecure or controlling. And if you start to believe this to be true, then it becomes very difficult to hold the boundary. The key is to look at the thoughts you have around your boundary and decide if they are something you want to believe. And if not, gently challenge them. 

Lastly, be willing to be uncomfortable in order to hold your boundary. It’s not fun, but make this part of your strategy. When those feelings show up, just acknowledge they are there, remind yourself it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, breathe through it, and let it pass.

FAQs

Why won't my partner support my boundaries with his ex?

A lot of our partners don’t want to rock the boat because they are afraid of what the ex will do if you upset her. It can be very difficult (but not impossible) to hold the boundary when you have no support at home. If he’s not going to support you, can you support yourself? 

What if I'm scared of what the ex will do?

Write down everything you're afraid she'll do. Then write down what you'd do if each one happened. When you map it out, it becomes a problem to solve, not a catastrophe to avoid. For a full guide on this, see How Do I Set Boundaries When I'm Terrified of What She'll Do?

What if I’m a people pleaser or conflict-avoider? 

You’re going to find boundaries hard. And there’s no judgement in this, often these tendencies are due to past trauma and learned responses in order to cope. Support from a therapist while you set boundaries could make all the difference. 

Shouldn't my partner be the one setting boundaries against his ex?

If your partner is willing and able to do that, then that’s really the ultimate outcome. See more in How Can I Get My Partner To Set Boundaries With His Ex?. But it’s so common where he isn’t, so this leaves you in the situation of having to protect yourself.

What if I decide I am not able to hold my boundary?

Don't give up – review the boundary. Can you find one you are able to hold? Often it is a confidence thing. Can you do some work to improve your ability to hold the boundary? Boundaries are a skill that you can better at. 

Holding a boundary against a high conflict ex is genuinely hard. But it's a skill, and you can get better at it. Start with one boundary, work through the obstacles, and follow through.