Nobody Notices Until It Goes Wrong - Then It's Your Fault

There's a common trap you might recognise. You might even be in it right now.

I call it 'Invisible and Blamed'.

Essentially, you do all these things – you remember the sports uniform, you sort dinner, you help with the homework, school pickups, washing, schedule changes. And nobody really notices what you do. It becomes invisible.

Until something goes wrong. Or, more accurately, the ex complains that something is wrong. Then suddenly everybody notices. And it's your fault. "Why did you let them do that?", "Why didn't you tell her?", "Why didn't you remind him?"

And you're thinking… seriously? After everything I did, this is what we're talking about?!

It wouldn't be so bad if your partner wasn't in on it too. He just seems to go along with whatever the ex says. "To keep the peace". So you decide "well fine, I'm not helping anymore. Do it all yourself". Or you just quietly seethe.

But neither of these is really working is it.

So what do you actually do? I'm going to show you today.

KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR STEPMUMS

• The tasks that quietly become "your job" – sorting dinner, making lunches, school pickups – rarely get noticed until something goes wrong, and then you're blamed for it.

• When the high conflict ex complains about something, she creates enough pressure that everyone else starts trying to solve that issue. And while everybody is doing that, the original context disappears.

• Your partner might think he's solving the problem by putting it on you – but what he's actually done is validate her version. This can leave you feeling betrayed.

• The common result is you either say "well, I'm not doing anything anymore" or you keep doing it and get more and more resentful.

• Helping with something doesn't mean you've agreed to take on responsibility for everything that happens around it.

• Separate what you actually did from everybody's reaction to it afterwards – you can say "yes, I wanted to pick them up" and also "no, that doesn't make me responsible for making sure she had nothing to complain about."

LINKS+RESOURCES

For help stepping back, see my 3-part podcast series How to Finally Disengage (Part 1/3)

NEXT STEPS

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