How to Choose Your Battles with a Toxic Ex & Stop Being Pulled Into Every Fight

Well, she's done it again. Created another urgent situation that feels like it needs immediate attention.

But does it really?

Because most of these "urgent" situations are designed to create conflict, not solve real problems.

Here's the thing. You don't have the energy to fight everything. And you don't want to. You didn't sign up to spend your entire life dealing with her drama.

Today, I'm going to give you a way to decide which battles are worth fighting and which ones to let go of.

What This Looks Like

Let me paint you a picture of what the week might look like.

Monday: She's twenty minutes late for pickup again, and the kids are anxious. Do you text her about it or let it slide?

Tuesday: Another "emergency" text about a forgotten item that apparently needs immediate attention. Do you drop everything?

Wednesday: She sends a text calling you selfish and claiming you don't care about the kids. Do you defend yourself or ignore it?

Thursday: She makes a passive-aggressive comment about your parenting in front of the children. Do you address it or rise above?

Friday: She changes weekend plans last minute, disrupting something you've had scheduled for weeks. Do you fight for your plans or accommodate to avoid conflict?

By Sunday evening, you and your partner are exhausted just from making these decisions. You've spent more mental energy deciding what to fight than actually living your life.

The thing is, you have limited time and bandwidth. You work, you have relationships, you have your own life.

But she lives for this conflict. She'll happily create it all day, every day, focusing all her time and energy on generating problems because that's what she does.

This creates a situation where you're constantly having to choose which battles deserve your energy.

I want to help you end this exhausting cycle by giving you a clear framework for deciding what's worth your time and what isn't.

Why High Conflict People Create Battles

Here's the thing about high conflict people - they don't create conflict to solve problems, they do it because it helps them regulate feelings they can’t handle.

They do this unconsciously, and without self-refection. It’s part of a pattern they have developed to protect themselves.

On the surface, it looks like she’s fighting about parenting schedules, school uniforms, or who forgot a water bottle. But underneath? The conflict is giving her something she needs.

Because high conflict people often have overwhelming emotions - fear, anger, shame - that feel unbearable, they create conflict to "offload" those feelings onto someone else. This helps them feel more emotionally regulated because now the chaos she feels inside is happening outside.

So if she's feeling powerless inside, attacking you flips the script - now you look powerless and she feels stronger and more in control.

Another payoff is attention and validation. Conflict guarantees that people are looking at them, and reacting to them. Even negative attention feels better to her than no attention at all. By creating drama, she ensures she stays at the center of the story - the "victim" or the "hero" - while you get pushed into the role of villain.

This also gives her identity. In her story, she's the wronged parent, the protector, the one who must keep battling, always fighting against someone else’s supposed wrongdoing. Without that conflict, she might feel empty or lost. So keeping the drama alive gives her purpose.

And for many high conflict people, attacking feels safer than being vulnerable. There's often old trauma there, deep fears of abandonment or betrayal. If she's on the attack, she doesn't have to sit with the pain of being ignored, unloved, or not in control. To her, launching a fight feels like survival – even when to you it looks petty or outrageous.

And finally, conflict lets her avoid responsibility. If she can keep everyone fighting, she doesn’t have to face her own mistakes or shortcomings.

Focusing on someone else’s supposed failures, means she doesn't have to deal with uncomfortable feelings like shame, guilt, or self-doubt.

So the conflict isn’t about the issue in front of you. It’s about soothing her own distress, keeping the spotlight on herself, and protecting her fragile self-image.

This means there will always be another crisis. Always another emergency that requires immediate attention and response.

When you understand this, you realise that most of the battles she creates are not real battles at all.

But… You might want to fight some battles. You might decide that some issues genuinely do need your attention and response. The key is to decide which ones.

Four Key Questions

I've developed a simple framework to help you make this decision strategically, not emotionally. It comes down to four key questions to ask yourself before you engage.

Let me walk you through each one.

Question 1: Is This Actually a Problem That Requires Dealing With?

The first one is simple but powerful. Is there actually a problem that requires dealing with?

High conflict people are experts at making everything sound urgent and catastrophic. They'll turn a forgotten water bottle into an "emergency". If you take all the drama out, is there an issue there?

If the answer is no – if it's just manufactured drama, you can ignore it completely.

But if she's trying to change the custody schedule right before your planned holiday, this may be something you might want to address.

Question 2: Will Responding Actually Change Anything?

If you engage, will it actually change an outcome or protect something you care about? Not will it make you feel better in the moment, not will it prove you're right, but will it create a meaningful change in your actual life?

And I don’t just mean ‘will she change her behaviour’ because the answer to that is usually no. But is there something you can do that will make a difference - this could mean setting a boundary, or documenting her negative behaviour to show a pattern.

There's a difference between engaging with her drama and taking action to protect yourself.

But if responding won't create anything meaningful - if it's just going to create more drama with no benefit - then you can stop here.

Question 3: Is This Actually My Battle to Fight?

I put this one last to emphasize it, but it should be the first one you ask yourself.

I see so many of you fighting your partner’s battles for them, but remember, as a stepmum, you don’t have to engage at all. She is not your ex, she is not a parent of your child. So is this something you need to handle personally, or can you pass it to your partner to deal with? Most of the time, you can choose to step back and let your partner handle his ex.

And I know this can be hard. If you’re saying.. Yes but he won’t, or, ok but then everything will fall apart - please go back and listen to my episode 8, called “When Your Partner Won’t Stand Up to Their Ex – and You’re Stuck in the Middle.”

Question 4: Is it Worth the Cost?

If you've made it this far - now count the cost. What will it actually cost you to fight this battle? Not just money, in the case of legal costs, but what about your time, your emotional energy, your relationships, your mental health and wellbeing?

Stepmum burnout is real, and when you add a high conflict ex in the mix, this becomes almost guaranteed unless you manage it.

High conflict people are skilled at creating battles that cost you far more than they cost them. They'll spend minutes creating drama that takes you hours to process emotionally.

Before you engage, get clear on the real cost. Is this worth missing sleep over? Is it worth the stress affecting your work? Is it worth the tension it might create in your home?

Usually it isn’t. But sometimes, it is.

Applying the Questions

So let’s see how this could work with some of those scenarios I mentioned earlier.

Scenario 1: She's twenty minutes late for pickup again and the kids are anxious. You’re trying to decide if you should text about it, or let it slide.

Is this actually a problem that requires dealing with? Yes, the kids are upset again and the parenting agreement is not being adhered to.

Will engaging actually change anything? Maybe, we’re not sure yet.

Is this my battle to fight? No - this is between her and your partner regarding their parenting agreement.

Verdict: Let your partner handle the chronic lateness issue. Focus on comforting the kids instead.

Scenario 2: She sends a text calling you selfish and claiming you don't care about the kids. Do you respond?

So firstly, is this actually a problem that requires dealing with? No, this is just an insult designed to get a reaction.

Defending yourself won’t change her behaviour, she’ll just escalate. Don’t respond to an insult unless you want to invite more insults.

So you're done at question one. Ignore it completely.

Scenario 3: She makes a passive-aggressive comment about your parenting in front of the children. Do you address it or rise above?

Is this actually a problem that requires dealing with? Yes, this undermines you in front of the kids and affects the family dynamic.

Will responding actually change anything? Defending yourself in front of the kids will turn a comment into a conflict and make the situation worse for them, and it won't change her behavior. But your partner addressing the issue of doing this in front of the children might be appropriate.

Is this my battle to fight? You might decide it’s not and bite your tongue in the moment. Later you discuss with your partner privately later about how to handle it.

Scenario 4: Last-minute plan changes that disrupt something you've scheduled for weeks. Do you fight for your plans or accommodate to avoid conflict?

Is this actually a problem that requires dealing with? Yes, this genuinely affects your family's plans and time.

Will responding actually change anything? Possibly, yes. This one is a boundary issue. Standing firm shows that your time is non-negotiable.

Is this my battle to fight? Since it directly affects your plans, it could be, but it could also be on your partner since it’s probably related to the parenting plan schedule.

What will this cost me? Time and energy in back-and-forth communication, potential stress from her pushback or escalation, and possible tension with your partner if you disagree on how to handle it.

Verdict: This is probably one worth fighting.

What Happens When You Approach This Strategically

So here's the great thing about having a framework - instead of spending hours agonising over the "right" response, you can evaluate it, and then move on with your life.

You become more strategic. You choose your battles based on what serves your actual goals, not what feels urgent in the moment.

And.. this process gets easier over time, because most of her drama actually follows common patterns you can learn to recognise. High conflict people repeat themselves over and over again, with slight variations.

So once you've established how to handle one type of situation, you can apply that same decision to similar situations in the future.

And recognising her patterns is something you can actively do as well-  I covered it in Episode 5, and I even have a simple Drama Tracker tool you can download.

Your Action Plan

You can start this week - when she creates the next situation, don't respond immediately. Instead, take out a piece of paper and work through these questions.

• Is this actually a problem?

• Will responding  change anything?

• Is this my battle to fight?

• What will this cost me, and is it worth it?

Then make your decision strategically, based on those answers.

The goal isn't to win every battle or avoid every conflict, it’s to be intentional about where you spend your precious time and emotional resources.