How to Set Boundaries with a Toxic Ex

🎧 Prefer to listen? You can hear the full discussion in Podcast Episode 7: How to Set Boundaries with a Toxic Ex That Actually Work

Have you ever felt torn between trying to keep the peace and wanting to stand up for yourself... knowing if you try to set a boundary, she'll explode – but if you don't, you're left anxious, resentful, and feeling like there's just no escape?

Maybe you've tried being polite, tried ignoring her, tried standing firm – but no matter what you do, the high conflict ex just keeps pushing. She calls, she texts, she shows up unannounced, she inserts herself into every part of your life.

The truth is: boundaries work, but only if you know how to set them correctly and actually hold them.

The Reality for Stepmums

I hear from stepmums all the time who are stuck in this situation:

"How do I get her to respect boundaries? She calls for everything – even shows up at my partner's workplace – we're exhausted."

"My partner's so worried that ignoring her will make them look bad in court, so they pick up every single time. Even when we're on holiday. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there trying not to explode."

Sound familiar?

When It's Time to Set a Boundary

Ask yourself one simple question: Is her behaviour impacting my peace? My ability to enjoy my day? My relationship?

If the answer is yes, it's time.

These behaviours aren't small annoyances. They're patterns that drain your energy and steal your peace. That means it's time to start building some protective walls around your life.

Why Boundaries Are Essential with High Conflict People

Here's the hard truth: cooperating with high conflict people just doesn't work.

When you're dealing with a reasonable person, you can have a conversation and things often settle down. But high conflict people aren't wired like most people. They're driven by unmanaged emotions and genuinely believe they are the victims in every conflict.

So unless you provide clear limits, their behaviour escalates. They'll simply keep doing it because there are no consequences.

Without solid boundaries, the high conflict ex will keep up their obsessive texting and uninvited visits. Every time she gets a reaction, it teaches her that pushing harder works.

Boundaries change that – not by controlling her behaviour, but by setting limits that protect you. A boundary does not depend on her cooperation. It depends solely on your consistency.

What a Strong Boundary Actually Looks Like

A boundary is essentially a personal rule that defines your emotional, physical, and mental space. It's like a fence you put around yourself, defining what behavior you will allow and how you will respond if your limit is crossed.

A boundary is NOT about controlling other people. It's about protecting yourself.

Example of a Strong Boundary

"If you continue to message me after 8PM, I will mute notifications and respond in the morning."

This works because:

• It's clear and specific

• It doesn't require her cooperation

• You have complete control over following through

What Boundaries Are NOT:

• Not a demand: "You can't call after 8pm"

• Not a threat: "If you keep badmouthing me to the kids, I'll tell them exactly what kind of person you really are!"

True boundaries focus on what YOU will do to protect yourself.

The Life-Changing Benefits of Boundaries

Without boundaries, your stress levels stay high. You're constantly on edge, waiting for the next explosion. I see stepmums lose themselves – snapping at their partner, feeling resentful toward the kids, lying awake replaying ugly texts.

Boundaries protect your nervous system. They're like decisions you make in advance, so when drama happens, you don't need to decide what to do – you just follow your plan.

What You Get Back:

• The ability to enjoy quiet evenings

• Freedom to plan your week without last-minute chaos

• A sense of safety in your own home

• Better mood and relationships

• Peace of mind

  
  

You also show your partner and stepkids what healthy emotional regulation looks like.

You Don't Need Your Partner On Board (Yet)

Many stepmums tell me they can't get their partner on board with boundaries. Maybe they're afraid of court backlash, overwhelmed, or have been bullied by their ex for so long they don't even try.

That doesn't mean YOU are stuck.

You can set personal boundaries to protect your own space:

• If she texts me directly, I won't engage

• When she calls, I'll step out of the room

• I won't discuss her drama or respond to her provocations

  
  

Often, when stepmums calmly hold their own boundaries, their partners start seeing how effective it is and slowly gain confidence to set some too.

How to Set Clear Boundaries with a Toxic Ex

Every boundary has two parts:

1. The limit or request – what you're clarifying

2. The consequence – what you will do if the limit is crossed

Effective Boundary Examples:

• "We're only available for texts about the kids' health or schedules. Personal topics won't get a response."

• "If the conversation becomes disrespectful, I'll hang up."

• "Please give us 24 hours notice for schedule changes. Less than 24 hours means we stick to the original plan."

  
  

Notice what's missing?

No demands. It's all about what YOU will do.

You don't always need to communicate a boundary. You can simply enact one, especially personal boundaries like "If she texts, I won't answer."

If you do communicate it, deliver it once, calmly and confidently. No long explanations that she'll use as ammunition. Your boundary is for you, not for her.

Handling the Inevitable Backlash

Here's what will happen: She will test your boundary. The first thing she'll do is push harder. That's not a sign you did it wrong – it's proof you're doing it right.

High conflict people don't like boundaries because they want to be in control. Because they have poor emotional regulation, they react extremely to what feels like rejection and loss of power.

Remember: Her reaction to your boundary is evidence that you need it.

Expect:

• Angry texts and calls

• Guilt trips ("You're hurting the children!")

• Threats of court action

• Attempts to negotiate or argue with your boundary

  
  

Your only job: Follow through on the consequence you set. If you said you won't respond after 8pm, don't. If you said last-minute changes revert to the original plan, stick to it.

How to Respond (If You Choose To):

Stay matter-of-fact: "As I mentioned, I'm no longer able to accommodate last-minute schedule changes. Since this was requested with less than 24 hours' notice, we'll stick to our original plan."

Don't respond from anger or frustration. Enforce your boundary from a place of self-care, not conflict.

Managing Your Own Guilt and Fear

The most common reason people don't hold boundaries? They don't want to follow through on the consequence.

Enforcing boundaries doesn't just stir up drama on her side – it stirs up old patterns in you. Your fears, guilt, people-pleasing instincts, and trauma responses will all show up.

Common Fears:

• "Will this hurt the kids?"

• "Maybe it's easier to give in just this once"

• "What if she takes us to court?"

  
  

These are normal fears. But remember: you're not creating conflict – you're refusing to participate in it.

Your responsibility isn't to keep her happy and regulated.

Every time you hold firm, you teach her that pushing doesn't work. More importantly, you build trust with yourself that you can keep yourself safe.

How Boundaries Transform Your Life

What happens to you: Your anxiety drops because you're no longer waiting for her approval. You're clear on what you'll do, so her behavior doesn't dictate your mood. You start enjoying evenings again, being present with your partner instead of replaying her messages.

What happens to your family: Your partner sees you calmly enforce boundaries and might gain courage to do the same. The kids learn that your household is calm, predictable, and safe – showing them what emotional steadiness looks like.

My Top 10 Boundary Tips

1. Get clear on what needs a boundary

   Notice where her behaviour consistently impacts your personal space – physically, emotionally, or mentally.

   
   

2. Set boundaries you can enforce

   Choose boundaries you can uphold yourself, without requiring another person's cooperation. Start small and build from there.

   
   

3. Keep it simple

   A boundary has two parts: the limit or request, and the consequence if it's crossed.

   
   

4. Focus on what you want, not what you don't

   Instead of: "Stop calling me every time the kids have a minor issue!" Try: "Please save calls for genuine emergencies. If you call about non-emergencies, we will end the conversation immediately."

   
   

5. Make consequences clear and credible

   Your consequence must be something you actually control and will follow through with. Empty threats teach her your boundaries aren't serious.

   
   

6. Communicate the boundary clearly – once

   Less is more with high conflict people. A simple, direct statement without emotion is more effective than detailed explanations she'll use against you.

   
   

7. Avoid giving threats

   Threats try to control another person's behavior. True boundaries focus on what you'll do to protect yourself, not punishments you'll inflict.

   
   

8. Prepare for backlash

   High conflict people don't like boundaries. Expect her to test them repeatedly. The first few times you enforce a boundary, she might escalate dramatically to get you to give in.

   
   

9. Follow through consistently

   The real power is in the follow-through. Have a plan ready – either a prepared response or simply implement your boundary without discussion. When her usual tactics don't work, she'll eventually adjust.

   
   

10. Your boundaries aren't open for debate or approval

    You don't need her permission to protect your wellbeing. You don't need to convince her your boundaries are reasonable or fair.

Bottom Line: You don't need her permission to protect your wellbeing. You don't need to convince her your boundaries are reasonable or fair.

Your Boundary Journey Starts Now

Boundaries work, but only if you hold them. That means following through consistently, even when it's uncomfortable, even when she throws everything at you to get you to give in.

If you find yourself struggling to enforce boundaries, know that's completely normal. It often reveals areas where you need to work on yourself – building confidence, managing guilt, or healing old patterns.

When you learn to hold boundaries calmly and consistently, it truly transforms your entire stepmum experience. You get your peace back. Your family gets stability. And you model healthy relationships for the kids.

Your boundaries aren't selfish – they're essential.

Your Next Step

🎧 Prefer to listen? You can hear the full discussion in Podcast Episode 7: How to Set Boundaries with a Toxic Ex That Actually Work.

I walk you through these strategies in detail and share some real-world examples.