How to Set Boundaries with A Toxic Ex That Actually Work

Today we’re diving deep into why boundaries are non-negotiable when you’re dealing with a toxic ex – and why the boundaries you’ve tried before may have completely backfired.

You’ll learn how to set boundaries that actually work with someone like her, and, even more importantly, how to hold those boundaries when she inevitably pushes back. 

This is your guide to taking your power back so you can protect your peace, your relationship, and your mental wellbeing, without getting dragged into endless drama.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN

• Why high conflict people test boundaries – and why that’s actually a sign you’re doing it right.

• The differences between boundaries that fail and those that truly protect you.

• Exactly what effective boundaries with high conflict people look like.

• How to follow through when she tries to escalate, twist the truth, or make you the problem.

  
  

MY 10 BOUNDARY TIPS

1. Get clear on what needs a boundary

Notice where her behaviour consistently impacts your personal space, whether that be physically, emotionally, or mentally. 

2. Set boundaries you can enforce

Choose boundaries you can uphold yourself, without requiring the other person's cooperation. Try starting with a small boundary you can enforce, and go from there.

3. Keep it simple

A boundary consists of the limit or request, and the consequence if the limit or request is crossed.

4. Focus on what you want, not what you don't

Instead of "Stop calling me every time the kids have a minor issue!" Try "Please save calls for genuine emergencies. If you call about non-emergencies, we will end the conversation immediately".

5. Make consequences clear and credible

Make sure your consequence is something you actually have control over and are prepared to follow through with. Empty threats only teach her that your boundaries aren't serious.

6. Communicate the boundary clearly – once

You don’t need to communicate a boundary, but if you choose to, remember that less is more with high conflict people. A simple, direct statement, without emotion, is far more effective than a detailed explanation that she'll likely use against you.

7. Avoid giving threats

There's a crucial difference between boundaries and threats. Threats are designed to control another person's behaviour. True boundaries focus on what you'll do to protect yourself, not punishments you'll inflict if you don't get compliance. 

8. Expect backlash 

High conflict people don't like boundaries. Expect her to test them... repeatedly. The first few times you enforce a new boundary, she might escalate dramatically to get you to give in. Expect the pushback.

9. Follow through consistently

The real power of a boundary is in the follow-through. Have a plan ready – either a prepared response for common arguments or simply implement your boundary without further discussion. When she sees that her usual tactics don't work anymore, she'll eventually adjust to the new normal.

10. Your boundaries aren't open for debate or approval

You don't need her permission to protect your own wellbeing. You don't need to convince her that your boundaries are reasonable or fair.