How to Set Boundaries with a Toxic Ex (Even When You're Terrified)

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Have you ever felt torn between keeping the peace and standing up for yourself? You know if you set a boundary, she'll explode – but if you don't, you're left anxious, resentful, and feeling trapped.

Maybe you've tried being polite, tried ignoring her, tried standing firm – but no matter what you do, the high conflict ex just keeps pushing. She calls, she texts, she shows up unannounced, she inserts herself into every part of your life.

And perhaps you're lying awake at 2AM, running through every possible thing she could do if you upset her. 

So you calculate every move, edit every text three times before sending, and basically live your life trying not to trigger her.

The Reality for Stepmums

I hear from stepmums all the time who are stuck in this situation:

"She calls for everything – even shows up at my partner's workplace. My partner's so worried about looking bad in court, so he picks up every single time. Even when we’re on holiday. Even when we’re sitting at dinner. Meanwhile, I’m sitting there trying not to explode

Sound familiar?

When It's Time to Set a Boundary

Ask yourself: Is her behaviour impacting my peace? My ability to enjoy my day? My relationship?

If the answer is yes, it's time. These behaviours aren't small annoyances. They're patterns that drain your energy and steal your peace. 

That means it's time to start building some protective walls around your life.

Why Boundaries Are Essential with High Conflict People

The truth is – cooperating with high conflict people just doesn't work.

They're driven by unmanaged emotions and genuinely believe they're victims in every conflict.

Without clear limits, their behaviour escalates. Every time she gets a reaction, it teaches her that pushing harder works.

Boundaries change that – not by controlling her behaviour, but by setting limits that protect you. A boundary doesn't depend on her cooperation. It depends solely on your consistency.

What a Strong Boundary Actually Looks Like

A boundary is a personal rule that defines your emotional, physical, and mental space. It's like a fence you put around yourself, defining what behavior you will allow in your space, and how you will respond if your limit is crossed.

A boundary is NOT about controlling other people. It's about protecting yourself.

Example of a Strong Boundary

"If you message after 8PM, I will respond the next day."

This works because it's clear, doesn't require her cooperation, and you control the follow-through.

Boundaries Are NOT:

• A demand: "You can't call after 8pm"

• A threat: "If you keep badmouthing me to the kids, I'll tell them exactly what kind of person you really are!"

True boundaries focus on what YOU will do to protect yourself.

The Life-Changing Benefits of Boundaries

Without boundaries, your stress levels stay high. You're constantly on edge, waiting for the next explosion.

Boundaries protect your nervous system. They're like decisions you make in advance, so when drama happens, you don't need to decide what to do – you just follow your plan.

You get back:

• The ability to enjoy quiet evenings

• Freedom to plan your week without last-minute chaos

• A sense of safety in your own home

• Better mood and relationships

You Don't Need Your Partner On Board (Yet)

Many stepmums tell me they can't get their partner on board with boundaries. Maybe their partner is afraid of backlash, overwhelmed, or has been bullied by their ex for so long they don't even try.

That doesn't mean YOU are stuck.

You can set personal boundaries to protect your own space:

• If she texts me directly, I won't engage

• When she calls, I'll step out of the room

• I won't discuss her drama or respond to her provocations

  
  

Often, when stepmums calmly hold their own boundaries, their partners start seeing how effective it is and slowly gain confidence to set some too.

How to Set Clear Boundaries with a Toxic Ex

Every boundary has two parts:

1. The limit or request – what you're clarifying

2. The consequence – what you will do if the limit is crossed

Effective Boundary Examples:

• "We're only available for texts about the kids' health or schedules. Personal topics won't get a response."

• "If the conversation becomes disrespectful, I'll hang up."

• "Please give us 24 hours notice for schedule changes. Less than 24 hours means we stick to the original plan."

  
  

Notice there are no demands. It's all about what YOU will do.

You don't always need to communicate a boundary. You can simply enact one, especially personal boundaries like "If she texts, I won't answer."

If you do communicate it, deliver it once, calmly. No long explanations that she'll use as ammunition. Your boundary is for you, not for her.

Handling the Inevitable Backlash

She will test your boundary. That's not a sign you did it wrong – it's proof you're doing it right.

High conflict people don't like boundaries because they want to be in control. Because they have poor emotional regulation, they react extremely to what feels like rejection and loss of power.

Remember: Her reaction to your boundary is evidence that you need it.

Expect angry texts, attempts to negotiate your boundary,  guilt trips, threats of court action etc. 

Your only job is to follow through on the consequence you set.

Your Fears About What She'll Do

Many stepmums and their partners don't set boundaries because they fear escalation in her behaviour – being taken back to court, the kids being turned against them, false allegations, etc. 

Because let's be honest – high conflict people use every tool available to maintain control. 

But giving in to prevent escalation doesn't work. In fact, it makes things worse.

Firstly, you’re trying to protect your family by avoiding her triggers. But what you're actually doing is living as if the worst has already happened. Secondly, every time you give in to avoid her escalating, you're teaching her that threats work. You're showing her exactly how to control you.

If she can get whatever she wants by just threatening to call the police or hinting at court action, why would she ever stop? 

And here's the scariest part – by never setting boundaries, you're actually making yourself more vulnerable. When you finally have to say no, she'll be enraged because you've broken her control – and you'll have no pattern of normal boundary-setting and escalation to point to as evidence that her behaviour is the problem.

The Cost of Living in Fear

Here's what living in fear is costing you – your peace of mind, your sense of safety, your ability to make decisions based on what's best for your family – all gone. 

You're exhausted, resentful, and anxious all the time. You're modelling to the kids that bullies get what they want if they're scary enough.

Is avoiding the possibility of her escalation worth living this way forever? 

A Different Approach

So what do you do instead of living in fear? You need a completely different approach. One that acknowledges the real risks while not being controlled by them.

Because here’s the truth. You cannot control whether she escalates. High conflict people don't need real reasons –  they create them.

What you CAN control is your response and preparation.

Your Protection Protocol

Think about a boundary you want to set, but are afraid to. Start by creating a list of all the things you're afraid of happening.

For example: "She'll call child protection and say we're abusing the kids."

Now write down:

1. What you can do to prepare for it

2. What you will actually do if it happens

"We'd cooperate, provide documentation, and get a lawyer."

This makes it a problem to solve, not a catastrophe to avoid.

Preparing for the Boundary

Here’s some ideas to help you:

Documentation is your best friend. Use a court-approved communication app. Keep a simple log of incidents, and screenshot texts. Patterns matter, and high conflict people always create patterns.

Build your support team now. This means:

• Having at least a consultation with a family lawyer so you know your rights

• Having a therapist who understands high conflict dynamics

• Having trusted friends who can be witnesses if needed

  
  

Create response templates so you're prepared. Decide in advance that you won't engage with threats. Keep responses neutral: "We'll continue following the agreement" or "Noted. Please refer any legal concerns to my lawyer." No emotion, no argument, just acknowledgement.

When She Actually Does Go Nuclear: Your Game Plan

Sometimes they do follow through on threats. So here's my suggested game plan, which you can modify:

• Step 1: Don't react immediately. Your body will go into fight or flight mode (this is normal). Do not respond in this state – take 24 hours to calm down.

• Step 2: Use your pre-prepared templates to respond (if you need to respond at all).

• Step 3: Document everything – screenshots, dates, times, exact words.

• Step 4: Use your support system. Call your lawyer if you have one. Don't face this alone.

• Step 5: Follow through on consequences. If she violated the custody order, file a motion for contempt. If she's harassing you, seek a restraining order.

Specific Scenarios and Responses

• If the police or child protection show up: Be calm and cooperative. Answer their specific questions factually. Provide requested documentation. Then get everything in writing. Request a letter stating the outcome. If it's unfounded, that letter becomes part of your pattern evidence.

• If she badmouths you to the kids: You cannot control what she says but you can control what happens in your home. Be consistent, loving, and stable. 

• If she takes you to court: This is where your documentation pays off. Her pattern of litigation and threats can work against her.

My Top 10 Boundary Tips

1. Get clear on what needs a boundary

   Notice where her behaviour consistently impacts your personal space – physically, emotionally, or mentally.

2. Set boundaries you can enforce

   Choose boundaries you can uphold yourself, without requiring another person's cooperation. Start small and build from there.  Learn that you can survive her reaction. Build your confidence gradually.

3. Keep it simple

   A boundary has two parts: the limit or request, and the consequence if it's crossed.

4. Focus on what you want, not what you don't

   Instead of: "Stop calling me every time the kids have a minor issue!" Try: "Please save calls for genuine emergencies. If you call about non-emergencies, we will end the conversation immediately."

5. Make consequences clear and credible

   Make sure your consequence is something you actually have control over and are prepared to follow through with. Empty threats teach her your boundaries aren't serious.

6. Communicate the boundary clearly – once

   Less is more with high conflict people. A simple, direct statement without emotion is more effective than detailed explanations she'll use against you.

7. Avoid giving threats

   Threats try to control another person's behavior. True boundaries focus on what you'll do to protect yourself, not punishments you'll inflict.

8. Prepare for backlash

   High conflict people don't like boundaries. Expect her to test them repeatedly. The first few times you enforce a boundary, she might escalate dramatically to get you to give in. Set up a protection plan in advance (grab my FREE Escalation-Proof Boundary Planner to help you.)

9. Follow through consistently

   The real power is in the follow-through. Have a plan ready – either a prepared response or simply implement your boundary without discussion. When her usual tactics don't work, she'll eventually adjust. Don't respond from anger or frustration. Enforce your boundary from a place of self-care, not conflict.

10. Your boundaries aren't open for debate or approval

    You don't need her permission to protect your wellbeing. You don't need to convince her your boundaries are reasonable or fair.

Bottom Line: You don't need her permission to protect your wellbeing. You don't need to convince her your boundaries are reasonable or fair.

What Happens When You Actually Hold Your Boundaries

The beautiful part is what happens to you. Your anxiety drops because you're no longer waiting for her approval. You're clear on what you'll do, so her behaviour doesn't dictate your mood.

You begin enjoying your evenings again. You're present with your partner. You start planning holidays without wondering how she'll sabotage it.

The kids learn that no matter how chaotic one parent might be, the other household is calm, predictable, and safe. You get to show your stepkids what emotional steadiness looks like.

Your Boundary Journey Starts Now

Boundaries work, but only if you hold them. That means following through consistently, even when it's uncomfortable, even when she throws everything at you to get you to give in.

If you find yourself afraid and struggling to enforce boundaries, know that's completely normal. 

To help you, I've created a freebie which walks you through setting one boundary and preparing for her backlash. It's got fill-in-the-blank templates and scripts to help you know what to say.

👉  Grab my FREE Escalation-Proof Boundary Planner, so you can set your first boundary TODAY and know exactly what to do when she pushes back. 

Set reasonable boundaries. Protect your family appropriately. Document everything. Build your support network. And stop letting fear of what might happen rob you of your actual life.