When You Resent Your Partner More Than His Ex

At first, you’re angry at her.

She sends the ridiculous message. She changes the plan. She threatens court. She drags the kids into it.

But after a while, it changes. You start getting angrier at him.

Because she sends the message, but he answers it. She changes the plan, but he agrees to avoid an argument. She gets upset, and he gives in. He lets the kids be rude to you and says nothing.

And now you resent your partner more than his ex.

And if you’re at this point, you probably feel like the answer is fairly obvious. He needs to change. And maybe he does.

But he’s not. And this is where you’re getting stuck.

KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR STEPMUMS

• When your partner keeps giving in to his ex – after you've explained it, and he's even agreed – it's frustrating to watch it happen again. And when he backs her up instead of you, it can feel like betrayal.

• A lot of the resentment comes from what you've made his behaviour mean – like "if he respected me, he wouldn't keep doing this" or "he cares more about what she thinks than what I think".

• When your partner keeps giving in to his ex, it's often because he's afraid of what will happen if he doesn't – like her creating more drama, or the kids pulling away from him.

• You can ask your partner to change and tell him how his behaviour affects you, but you can't make him change. What you can do is stop arguing with how he handles it right now.

• Accepting how he handles conflict right now isn't giving up, or putting up with anything forever. It means you stop arguing with who he is today, so you can see what you can actually do.

• Decide ahead of time what you'll do when it happens again, and check whether it's for you or just a new way to make him finally get it.

NEXT STEPS

If you've ever felt like nobody actually gets what this is like:

→ I do. Join my list. My emails are where I share things I don't share anywhere else (because I don’t just teach this stuff, I actually live it).