Is The Toxic Ex Turning You Into Someone You Don’t Recognise? Here's the Truth

You know that moment when you catch yourself in the mirror, and you think, "Who is this person?" You’ve become someone you don't recognize - stressed, reactive, and angry. 

And you think to yourself, "This isn't who I am. She's turning me into someone I don't even know."

Here's what I want to share with you today - she's not turning you into anything. 

What’s happening is that this situation is revealing parts of yourself that maybe you didn’t know were there.

And this situation, as much as it sucks, is actually the perfect opportunity for you to become the best and most resilient version of yourself.

The Truth About Growth Opportunities

A stepmum said to me recently “I don't want her to get to me because I want to keep being me. The person my husband fell in love with.”

But you know that calm, peaceful person you used to be? That’s still you. This stressed and angry person? That’s you as well.

It’s just that you weren’t challenged like this before. It's easy to be the person you want to be when you’re not challenged.

But difficult people, like that high conflict ex, are sooo challenging. They don’t follow the normal rules that most people do, and until you learn how to manage this situation, it’s going to be a challenge. They act like a mirror, showing you exactly where you have unprocessed emotions and growth opportunities.

And here’s why this can be a good thing. If you’re not challenged, you don’t grow. 

So many people in that situation try to change the other person so they can stop feeling this way.  But I’ll tell you – that’s impossible, you’ll never change her. 

The only person you need to change and the only thing you really need to change is your own brain. If you're willing to do the work on you, everything in your life can improve.

If you can learn how to be the person you want to be IN this situation, that's when you win.

That’s when she cannot get to you anymore. 

What’s Underneath

Let’s go to the last time she really got under your skin. Maybe it was that text where she accused you of overstepping, or the pickup where she made some snide comment in front of the kids. What happened inside you in that moment?

You probably felt that familiar surge - the chest tightening, the thoughts racing, the immediate need to defend or attack. And then you told yourself, "She makes me so angry."

But here's what was really happening: her behavior triggered something that was already in you. Some old wound, some unhealed part, some pattern you developed long before you ever met her. Maybe it's about feeling criticized, or not being good enough, or having your boundaries violated.

Maybe it goes back to childhood, or your first relationship, or that boss who made you feel small.

And this is actually the gift, even though it feels like torture. Because now you know exactly where your work is. She's like a very annoying GPS pointing you directly toward the parts of yourself that need attention.

Why This Challenge Is Actually Perfect

And yes, it feels overwhelming and exhausting.

But here's what this situation is offering you, even though it doesn't feel like it right now: the chance to develop capabilities you maybe would never have the chance to develop otherwise. 

The opportunity to learn how to stay centred when someone is trying to throw you off balance. The possibility of being able to control yourself  when someone else is trying to control you.

Right now, I know you're not there yet. You probably feel like you're failing at every turn, like this situation is breaking you down rather than building you up. And that's completely normal.

The Strength You're Already Building

What I’m hearing so much are stepmums are their fears that if the conflict isn’t resolved soon, they'll never find the space for self-improvement, to fix their marriage, or pursue their own passions.

And I want to say, this IS the work. This IS the space where you will become that person. The person who is able to handle everything. It’s not when life calms down, this IS the life. This IS your chance to be a person who is capable of so much more than you are right now. 

And you’re here, learning new things, looking for solutions, so I think you’re already on your way. 

You're already becoming stronger, even if it doesn't feel that way. Think about where you were when this all started versus where you are now. Yes, you feel worn down and reactive, but you're also handling things you never thought you could handle.

And what does that mean for the rest of your life?

The Ripple Effect in Your Life

The strength you build dealing with this situation doesn't stay contained. It spreads into every area of your life.

When you learn how to stay calm with the most triggering person in your world, suddenly every other difficult conversation feels manageable. When you master not taking her chaos personally, you stop taking anyone else's stuff personally either.

The resilience you're building right now - that ability to remain yourself no matter how someone else shows up - that's going to make you a better partner. Instead of bringing stress and reactivity into your relationship, you'll bring stability and strength.

It's going to make you more confident in every area of your life. When you know you can handle her at her worst and still stay centered, what could possibly shake you? That job interview you were nervous about? That difficult conversation you've been avoiding? That dream you've been too scared to pursue?

When you've learned to be unshakeable in the face of deliberate provocation, everything else becomes easier by comparison.

And I know this to be true because I’ve been there, where you are, and now, I am not the person I was then. I am so much better, stronger, more resilient.

And I like myself better than I did before. I look back on myself and think, there was so much of my potential I hadn’t explored yet, and I didn't even know. 

Think about who you were before this, and imagine being someone you like even better than that. That is what's possible for you. 

So I challenge you to think about this situation differently, and see it as an opportunity to be the best version of yourself. 

A Mindset Shift

When you stop believing she's there to make you crazy and start seeing her as your opportunity to grow, when instead of asking "Why is she so difficult?" you start asking "What is this situation teaching me about myself?" you shift from powerless victim to empowered student.

You focus on you, and not her.

And then instead of spending your energy trying to control her behaviour, you put that energy into working on you. 

Why You Can't Get This Strength Any Other Way

And yes, it’s hard, it's challenging, and some days you want to quit. 

But here's the truth: you can't develop real resilience in comfortable circumstances. You can't build genuine strength without resistance. And you can't become truly unshakeable without being shaken.

If your life was easy and peaceful and everyone was reasonable, you'd never discover what you're capable of when things get really hard. You'd never build the strength that is going to serve you for the rest of your life.

This situation is demanding. It's asking you to be more patient than you thought possible, more resilient than you knew you could be, more centered than you've ever been. And every time you rise to meet that challenge, you become a little bit stronger.

The Long-Term Gift

I know it's hard to see this as an opportunity when you're in the middle of it. When you're dealing with yet another crisis, it doesn't feel like an opportunity for growth. It feels like torture.

But later, when you've become the person who can handle this, you'll recognise that this situation didn't break you down. It didn't make you weaker. It made you stronger.

And the best part? Once you've developed the emotional strength, it becomes part of who you are. It's not something you have to think about or work at anymore. It becomes your natural way of being.

Now I know all this because I've done it, and I know you can too. 

This year I'm creating a step-by-step course to guide you through it. It’s my Blueprint. It's your blueprint to becoming the person who can handle this. As of this recording it’s still a few months away, but you can sign up for updates HERE.

And remember – the high conflict ex isn't your enemy. She's your greatest teacher.

And once you've learned what she's here to teach you, her power over you disappears completely

And that strength? That's yours to keep forever.