No Matter What You Do, It's Wrong. Here's What to Do

You helped with school pickup– and you were criticized for overstepping.

So you stopped – now you're accused of not caring about the kids.

Eventually you start wondering what you're doing wrong. Because you're just trying to fit into this family, but everything you do just seems to make things worse.

This is world of the no-win stepmum, where no matter what you do, it's wrong. Most stepmums dealing with a high conflict ex find themselves here.

So what exactly are you supposed to do?

This episode answers that question.

KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR STEPMUMS

• In a high conflict family, the goalposts keep moving – what's acceptable today will be the next source of conflict tomorrow.

• High conflict people experience a lot of distress. They use their feelings as evidence that someone else is causing the problem and then this person becomes the target of their blame. 

• The stepmum is very often the target. This usually has nothing to do with the stepmum. It’s because of the threat that your role in the family presents to her. She creates a story where you are the problem, and then nothing you do is ever right.

• When everyone in the family seems to be reacting to you, they're most likely reacting to her.

• Constantly adjusting based on other people's reactions isn't problem-solving – it's a trap that keeps you adjusting forever.

• Your role as a stepmum isn't something you discover. It's something you decide.

• The question to ask isn't "what am I doing wrong?" – it's "who do I want to be in this family?"

NEXT STEPS

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