When the Kids Are Her Spies – And Nothing in Your Life Feels Private

Picture this: You're making plans for the weekend. You start to mention it to the kids, but then you stop yourself. Because you know what happens next. Within 24 hours, she'll know. She'll have something to say about it, or even try to ruin it entirely. So you say nothing. 

Today we're talking about one of the most frustrating dynamics in high conflict stepfamily life: when everything you say or do gets reported back to the ex. When your home doesn't feel safe because you're always being watched and judged.

In this episode, you're going to learn why she uses the kids as spies, how to protect your privacy and plans without shutting the kids out, and most importantly, how to stop feeling like you're constantly being judged in your own home.

Keeping Secrets

Here's what this does to you. You and your partner are planning something special for the kids – maybe it's something you want to do for one of their birthdays. You're excited about it, and you want to share that excitement with them. You want to connect authentically and share the ordinary moments that build real relationships. 

But you can't. Because you know they're not just kids in those moments – they're her eyes and ears in your home. And you've learned the hard way what happens when she finds out too early. 

And it's not just the fear of being judged. It's the fear that she'll ruin things if she knows about them in advance. She manufactures a reason why the kids suddenly can't come. She schedules something else. She tells them something that makes them feel guilty for being excited about your plans.

By the time the day arrives, the whole thing feels ruined before it starts.

So you wait. You keep secrets from the kids. You don't tell them what's happening until it's actually happening, and even then, you're bracing for the fallout when she finds out. 

And it's not just big things. It's everything. Every conversation with the stepkids has this undercurrent of “whatever I say right now could get back to her. She's going to twist it, use it somehow”. 

If you've felt this – the self-censoring, the walking on eggshells, the constant awareness that nothing in your life is truly private - your reaction makes complete sense. 

You're not being paranoid. You're responding to a real and known high conflict pattern of behaviour.

Understanding the Problem

So let's talk about that. When a high conflict parent uses the kids as informants, she's doing something very specific: she's maintaining her presence and power in a home she no longer controls. 

She doesn't live in your house. She's not married to your partner anymore.

But through the kids, she gets to have a front-row seat to everything that happens in your life. 

This is not accidental. It's a control tactic to maintain connection and influence even after the relationship has ended. They can't let go. They can't allow their ex-partner – or you, by extension – to have a life that doesn't involve them. So they find ways to insert themselves. And the easiest, most effective way to do that? Through the children.

Here's what she gets out of it: information, which equals power. When she knows what's happening in your home, she can react to it. She can create drama around it. She can use it to paint you as incompetent, or irresponsible, or whatever narrative she's built. 

She also gets to maintain the illusion of control. She's still pulling strings, still affecting your decisions, still occupying space in your mind.

And here's the hardest part - the kids often don't realize they're being used this way. When mom asks them questions – "What did you do this weekend?" "What did they make for dinner?" "Where did you go?" – it feels normal to them. They're just answering questions. 

Some are more overt about it. They pump the kids for details. They ask leading questions. They reward the kids with attention or affection when they provide useful information. Others create an environment where the kids feel they have to report back just to keep the peace, or because they're afraid of her reaction if they don't.

Either way, the result is the same: you're living under surveillance, and this changes how you show up in your own home.

The Emotional Toll

Let's name what this does to you. First, you can't relax. You can't just be yourself. You're not just talking to a ten-year-old about their homework – you're talking to a ten-year-old who's going to repeat this conversation to someone who hates you. 

Second, it creates distance in your relationship with the stepkids. You want to be open with them. You want to build trust and connection. But how can you do that when you can't be fully honest? 

Third, it erodes your sense of safety and privacy in your own home. Your home should be your sanctuary. It should be the one place where you can let your guard down. But when everything gets reported back, your home starts to feel like a stage. And that is unsustainable.

What You Can Actually Do

So how do you protect your privacy without completely shutting the kids out or making them feel like they can't talk to their mom?

Here's the truth: you can't stop the kids from reporting back. You can't control what they say to their mother, and you shouldn't try. That would put them in an impossible position, and frankly, it wouldn't work anyway. 

What you can control is what you share and how you think about it.

Being Strategic Without Being Secretive

So let’s talk about how to be strategic without being secretive. It’s not about telling them nothing, it’s about the two things - when you share and what you share.

First, the when. If you're planning something special—a trip, a party, an outing—you get to choose when to tell the kids. You're not keeping secrets.

You're choosing the timing that protects the experience. Tell them close enough to the event that they can be excited and involved, but not so far in advance that it gives her weeks to create interference.

Sometimes that's the day before. Sometimes that's the morning of.

Sometimes it's a week ahead. You're making a judgment call based on what you know about the pattern.

Second, the what. This is about how much detail you share. Maybe you tell the kids "We're doing something special for your birthday" without specifying exactly what or where. Maybe you say "We're going on a trip" without giving the full itinerary. Maybe you mention "We're having people over this weekend" without listing every guest. You're giving them enough to feel included, but you're not giving away every detail.

Now, you might feel guilty about this. You might feel like you're being secretive or dishonest. Let me reframe this for you.

When you wait to share information, you're not lying to the kids. You're not manipulating them. You're actually protecting them. Think about it: when you tell them about plans too early and she creates drama—manufactures a conflict, makes them feel guilty, changes the schedule—who suffers? The kids do. 

When you wait to share information until closer to the event, you're removing them from that position. You're letting them just be kids who get to enjoy something without managing their mother's reaction. That's not secretive – that's protective. 

When Kids Ask Direct Questions

Now, what about when the kids ask you directly. "What are we doing this weekend?" "Are we going anywhere for my birthday?", "What are our plans?" 

Here's what you can do: be honest without being specific. Let me give you some actual language.

If a child asks, "What are we doing for my birthday?" you can say: "We're definitely going to celebrate you and make it special. We’re still working out some of the details, but you're going to love it. we'll tell you more about it soon."

If they push "But I want to know now!", you can say: "I know you're excited, and part of the fun is the surprise. Trust me, you're going to love it." Or, if you need something more substantial: "We want to make sure everything is confirmed before we tell you. But we promise, we'll tell you as soon as we can."

If they ask about weekend plans and you're not ready to share yet, you can say: "We might do a few things. I'll let you know for sure by Friday." Or even just: "We'll figure it out as we go and see what sounds fun."

When Kids Compare or Feel Left Out

Let's address what happens when the kids notice that you're not telling them everything, or when they compare your household to their mom's. They might say things like: "Mom tells us everything." Or: "Why don't you tell us stuff?" Or: "It's not fair that we don't know what's happening."

You can say: "You know what? In our house, sometimes we like to keep things as a surprise because surprises are fun."

Or, if they're older "I hear you. I know it might feel like we don't share as much, and I want you to know it's not because we don't want to include you. Sometimes we wait to share details because we want to make sure plans are solid before we get everyone excited."

If they say, "Mom tells us everything," you can respond with: "That's great, but in our house, we do things a little differently, and both ways are okay"

When She Criticises Your Choices

Now, here's what often happens. You use these strategies. You're thoughtful about timing and details. Maybe things go well. And then she finds out after the fact and sends a text: "I can't believe you didn't tell the children about their plans in advance. They had no idea what was happening. This is just more evidence of how controlling and secretive you are."

And suddenly, you're second-guessing everything. 

Here’s what I want you to hear. You have to let go of what she thinks and says about you. 

This is hard, I know. But it's essential. She's going to have opinions about everything you do. She's going to criticize your cooking, your parenting, your schedule, your house, your car – everything. That's what high-conflict people do. They judge, they criticise, they create drama. 

So stop trying to control her narrative and focus on your own – how you show up in your home, how you treat the kids, and how much mental space you give her opinions.

Every time she criticizes you – you get to decide what you make it mean. You can make it mean you did something wrong, or you can make it mean she's doing what high conflict people do. Both are thoughts. Only one serves you.

Her criticism is not evidence that you made the wrong choice. If you had told the kids three weeks in advance and she sabotaged your plans, she'd find a way to criticize you for that too. 

There is no version of this where she doesn't criticize. So you might as well do what's best for your family and let her have her reactions.

Shifting How You Experience the Surveillance

And this goes for her opinions in general. If you can let go of what she thinks, you give her far less control in your house. 

Right now, you're probably thinking: "She's always watching me. She's judging me. She's using everything against me." And that thought creates anxiety, self-consciousness, and resentment. It makes you feel trapped.

What if you chose to think this instead: "She can hear about my life, but she can't control it” or she can have opinions, but they don't define me."

Notice the difference? The facts are the same, but your experience of it will be different. 

And when you approach it from this mindset, your decisions can become strategic rather than emotional. You're not withholding information out of fear of being judged. You're making thoughtful choices about timing and detail based on what's best for the kids and what protects the experiences you're trying to create.

This is a practice. You're not going to nail it on day one. You're going to feel that familiar fear creep in. But every time you notice it, you can pause and ask yourself: "Am I making a choice here based on what's best, or am I letting her control my emotions?"

When Your Strategies Don't Work Perfectly

Now let's talk about what happens when your strategies don't work. Because sometimes they won't. Sometimes despite your best efforts, she finds out about your plans early and interferes anyway.

Let's address that. First, accept that you can't control everything. You can't guarantee that every plan you make will stay protected. But here's what you can control –  how you respond when things don't go perfectly.

Let me give you a different way to measure success here. Success is not "she never finds out" or "she never reacts." That's not a realistic standard, and it sets you up to fail. Success is: "I made a thoughtful choice about what to share and when. I protected what I could. And when she reacted, I didn't let it derail me."

It doesn't mean you stop being strategic. You can still be thoughtful about timing and what you share. But it does mean you stop trying to be perfect. 

The Takeaway 

So here's the take away. 

First, if you're living under surveillance – that is exhausting, and your exhaustion is valid. 

Second, you cannot stop the kids from talking to their mom, and you shouldn't try. But you can be strategic about what you share and when. You can have scripts ready for their questions. You can protect the good things you're building without shutting them out. 

Third, her criticism doesn't mean anything about you. There is no version of you that will earn her approval. Keep being who you are, regardless of how she chooses to see you.

Because the goal here isn't to get her approval. The goal is to live authentically.

This is hard work. But it's worth it. Because on the other side of this, there's a version of you who can sit at that dinner table and mention weekend plans without stopping mid-sentence. Who walks through your own home without that constant weight of being watched and judged.

You're still makes strategic choices, but she's free. You're no longer giving someone else's opinion the power to control her.