When the Kids Are Her Spies & Nothing in Your Life Feels Private
RELATIONSHIP & FAMILY
7 October 2025
Player loading, please wait...
You start to mention weekend plans to the kids, but you stop yourself mid-sentence. Because you know what happens next – within 24 hours, the ex will know. She'll have something nasty to say about it, she might even try to ruin it entirely.
This is one of the most frustrating parts of high conflict co-parenting – when everything you say or do gets reported back to the high conflict ex.
You'll learn why she uses the kids as spies, how to protect your privacy and plans without shutting them out, and most importantly, how to stop feeling like you're constantly being judged in your own home.
If you're tired of editing every word and feeling like nothing in your life is truly private, this will help.
Key Takeaways
The ex doesn't live in your house, she's not married to your partner anymore, but through the kids, she gets a front row seat to everything that happens in it.
Living under this kind of surveillance means you can't relax, it creates distance with the stepkids because you can't be fully honest, and it erodes your sense of safety in your own home.
You can't stop the kids from talking to their mum, and trying to would put them in an impossible position, but you can choose the timing and the amount of detail you share about plans.
Waiting to share information isn't lying to the kids, it's protecting them. If the ex creates issues around plans shared too early, the kids are the ones who suffer.
Success isn't "she never finds out", it's making a thoughtful choice about what to share and when, and staying steady when she reacts.
Next Steps
If you've ever felt like nobody actually gets what this is like:
→ I do. Join my list. My emails are where I share things I don't share anywhere else (because I don’t just teach this stuff, I actually live it).
Hi, I'm Kellie
I'm a stepmum of two, high conflict survivor and a certified coach. I help stepmums handle the sh*t that comes with the ex, with no-BS strategies that actually work (I know because I use them myself).