When the High Conflict Ex Is Suddenly Nice... How to Handle It

You're suspicious. Of course you are.

The ex has been hostile for months. And then one day - she’s suddenly nice. Friendly. Cooperative. 

It's weird. She must be up to something. 

But no one else seems to think so. Your partner thinks things are settling down. Maybe your friends think she's finally coming around.

And now you wonder –  am I being unfair? Am I just cynical? 

Today I'm going to show you what's behind this weird ‘nice’ behaviour, and what to do the next time it happens. 

KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR STEPMUMS

• That uneasy gut feeling when she's suddenly nice isn't bitterness or paranoia, it's your brain connecting the dots on a pattern that's been building for months or years.

• A high conflict person's baseline behaviour isn't reasonable with occasional conflict. The conflict is the baseline behaviour – and it will return there, even if she's being nice right now.

• The reason behind her sudden niceness is probably one of four things:

  • she wants something,

  • something has shaken her sense of control, importance, or her perceived place in the family,

  • she temporarily feels secure or in control,

  • she's managing her image.

• Don't look at this behaviour on its own. Look at whether it is part of a repeated pattern.

• When the nice comes, you don't need to be on edge, anxious about what she’s up to. You can see it as part of the cycle, appreciate it while it lasts, and just keep doing what you've already been doing – regardless of what she's doing. Continue to be polite and hold your boundaries.

NEXT STEPS

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