Is The Ex a Narcissist… or Something Else? How to Know What You’re Really Dealing With

I want to share with you something that might help you understand high conflict behavior better. 

Because I found that the more I understood, the easier it was to stop taking her behaviour personally, and thinking we could change it.

Today, I’m covering research from the High Conflict Institute that identifies five specific personality patterns commonly found in high conflict people. 

By the end of this episode, you might finally have an explanation for behaviors that have been driving you crazy. 

High Conflict Personalities

Let’s remind ourselves what makes someone ‘high conflict’. 

These personalities share four key patterns of behaviour: they're preoccupied with blaming others, they think in all-or-nothing terms, they have unmanaged emotions, and they have extreme behaviors - things that most people would never do.

People with these patterns genuinely believe everyone else is the problem. They see the problems in their lives as external to them and have little awareness of how they contribute to them. 

The Five Patterns 

Before we dive into the 5 high conflict personalities, it’s important to note that I’m not a psychologist, rather I’m taking the research of the experts at the High Conflict Institute, and putting it into the context of our situation as stepmums. 

Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute, believes that people who become high conflict often have one or more of 5 personality disorders, or traits of those disorders. The 5 specific disorders he’s referring to are narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, paranoid, and histrionic. 

But I want to be clear - we're not diagnosing anyone. We’re not qualified to do that unless we’re a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. We're only looking at patterns of behavior to help you understand your situation and adapt your actions. 

And we’re not here to vilify anyone. These patterns are unconscious. It isn't chosen. The person displaying them usually has no idea they're doing it. They believe their reactions and behaviors are completely justified given what they perceive is happening around them.

I also want to note that, while there is a high correlation, not everyone with these personality traits becomes high conflict, and not every high conflict person fits these patterns. And some may exhibit traits from more than one of these patterns.

As you listen, pay attention to your reaction. Which details feel familiar? Is there one, or maybe more than one pattern? 

If you do recognise any, it might give you an idea of where the behavior is coming from, and be the key to finally understanding what you're dealing with.

Then you can learn to respond more strategically.

Pattern 1: Narcissistic High Conflict Personalities - the "I'm Superior, You're Nothing" type.

Narcissistic personalities are driven by a desperate need to be seen as superior. Their greatest fear is being seen as inferior or inadequate. This isn't just confidence - it's a constant, exhausting need to prove they're better than everyone else.

They don't collaborate - they compete. She views the children as extensions of herself rather than independent individuals with their own needs. Her parenting decisions are based on what enhances her self-image rather than what benefits the children. This competitive approach shows up as constantly trying to position herself as the "better parent" while undermining you and your partner's relationship with the children.

She might literally say things like "I'm their mother, you're just the woman who married their father." She doesn't just disagree with your household rules - she declares them invalid because they're not HER rules.

When the children do well, it's because of her superior genes or parenting. When they struggle, it's because of your negative influence. There's no shared credit, ever. She might tell teachers that they need to check with her about everything because "their father doesn't really understand the children like I do."

She'll complain about having to "do everything herself" while simultaneously refusing to coordinate on basic decisions like dental appointments or school supplies.

She'll publicly humiliate you or your partner, but in ways that make her look like the concerned, superior parent. She'll say things like "I'm so worried about the children. Their father just doesn't have the emotional intelligence to understand their needs".

Her communication will frequently use "I" statements focused on her achievements, insights, or needs, with minimal genuine interest in others' viewpoints. When disagreements arise, she may use condescending language, speaking with an air of authority that suggests her position is beyond questioning, regardless of her actual expertise on the subject.

At the core of narcissistic behavior lies a deep fear of being seen as inferior or inadequate. Despite their outward appearance of extreme confidence, they typically harbor profound insecurity and vulnerability. This fragile self-image requires constant external validation and admiration from others. When this validation is threatened or withdrawn, they experience it as an attack on their identity, triggering defensive reactions aimed at restoring their sense of superiority.

Pattern 2: Borderline High Conflict Personalities - The "Love You, Hate You" Type

People with borderline personalities live in constant terror of abandonment - it's their deepest, most driving fear. Their brain genuinely perceives rejection and abandonment threats everywhere, even when none exist.

They struggle with intense, rapidly shifting emotions that feel like life-or-death, during which, their thinking becomes completely distorted. What might seem minor to you - a delayed text response or schedule change - triggers a full emotional crisis because it's amplified by all their past experiences of feeling abandoned.

Many people with borderline traits lack a stable sense of who they are, which makes them overly dependent on others for validation and definition. Their self-image can fluctuate dramatically based on how they perceive others are treating them.

They don't just get angry - they experience what's called "borderline rage, " which seems wildly disproportionate to the situation. She might scream things that make no sense, then hours later text about pickup times like nothing happened. 

They may form intense attachments to their children while simultaneously displaying instability in how they view and treat their co-parent. One day she's telling them "Your father is so good at helping with homework," then after a minor disagreement declares "Your father doesn't care about your education at all."

Their communication is emotionally intense. Everything is "always" or "never." "completely," and "totally". when upset, she may use language that is highly accusatory and personal, attacking the character of others rather than addressing specific behaviours or issues. 

She may send multiple rapid-fire messages and expect instant responses regardless of time and become increasingly agitated if replies aren't forthcoming. 

Borderline personalities have a tendency to rewrite history based on their current emotional state. They create their own altered version of reality then and insist their version is the only truth. They might flatly deny saying things they said or claim events happened that didn't. This is because their emotional state so thoroughly colours their perception that they genuinely recall events differently based on how they're feeling in the moment. 

A common manipulation tactic is emotional blackmail - using fear, obligation, or guilt to control others' behaviour. For e.g. reminding others of past sacrifices, or trying to make others feel responsible for their emotional stability. 

She'll resist the children forming bonds with you because she sees these relationships as threatening to her rather than beneficial to them. 

This might include speaking negatively about you to the children, creating conflicts around events where you might be present, or demanding that you have no role whatsoever. 

Loss of control, particularly over access to their children or information about them, is a major trigger. She may react strongly to being excluded from any aspect of the child's life when with their other parent, demanding excessive communication, information-sharing, or even trying to direct activities during your time. 

These attempts to maintain control stem from abandonment fears and identity insecurity - if they aren't constantly involved, they may feel they're losing their connection or parental role.

Pattern 3: Antisocial High Conflict Personalities - "The Cruel Con Artist" Type

The antisocial, or sociopathic pattern is different from the others because it's not driven by emotional fears. Instead, it’s driven by a desire to dominate, control, and win at any cost. 

They fundamentally don't experience guilt, remorse, or empathy the way most people do. They can intellectually understand how others feel though, and they use that knowledge to manipulate. They are often charming and persuasive at first, but this often masks a pattern of deception, manipulation, and rule-breaking that becomes apparent over time. Their behaviour typically includes a disregard for social norms, frequent dishonesty, and a lack of concern for how their actions affect others.

They often engage in risky behavior that most people would consider too dangerous - financial risks like gambling, legal risks like driving without a license, or maintaining multiple secret relationships. When these risks backfire, they externalize responsibility rather than learning from the experience.

Their lying is constant and often unnecessary. She'll lie about what she had for breakfast, what time she picked up the kids - things that don't even really matter. When caught in lies with proof, she doesn't show shame or remorse. She might attack you for "spying" or simply move on to the next lie without missing a beat.

They are very persuasive, with an ability to sound believable even when being deceptive. Their speech often contains inconsistencies or contradictions, but they deliver these with such assurance you may doubt your own perceptions rather than question their truthfulness.

In co-parenting, they view arrangements through winning and losing rather than focusing on the children's wellbeing. Their involvement with children aligns with their convenience rather than the children's needs. So she might enthusiastically attend high-visibility events like sports finals where she can be seen as a devoted parent, while regularly missing routine responsibilities like homework supervision, school meetings or medical appointments.

She might promise the children extravagant birthday celebrations, building up their expectations, then deliver nothing while blaming your partner for "making it difficult." 

With this personality type, pay attention to any gut feeling you have around them that something just doesn't feel right, like they are cold and disconnected while saying all the right things. 

Pattern 4: Paranoid High Conflict Personalities - The "Highly Suspicious" Type

Paranoid personalities display a persistent pattern of suspicion and distrust that shows up in nearly all their interactions. 

Where most might assume others are generally well-intentioned until proven otherwise, paranoid personalities assume everyone is plotting against them. They frequently interpret neutral or even positive actions from others as deceptive or malicious. This hyper-vigilance makes them constantly on edge, looking for hidden meanings or threats in everyday situations. 

They often have an internal narrative that they are victims of ongoing persecution or that others are actively working to undermine them. What's particularly challenging is that they can present very rationally when explaining their suspicions - they're not obviously delusional, they just interpret events through this lens of suspicion.

These people typically hold strong, unwavering beliefs about others' motives and are extremely reluctant to consider alternative explanations for events. 

In co-parenting situations, she doesn't just misinterpret you and your partner’s actions occasionally - EVERYTHING you do has sinister meaning in her mind. You enrolled the child in piano lessons? You're trying to make her look bad for not being able to afford them. You took them to the doctor for a routine check-up? You're building a case that she neglects their health. 

She might involve authorities constantly - calling child protection, police, filing court motions because she genuinely believes you're dangerous. She remembers every perceived slight forever and sees them all as evidence of your "deliberate pattern of harm."

Their writing and speech typically contain accusatory language designed to expose perceived deception, and statements that reveal their suspicion of others' motives. They may use phrases like "I know what you're really doing" or "You can't fool me," even when discussing relatively minor matters. 

At the core of paranoid behaviour lies an intense fear of betrayal and harm from others. This fear can be so powerful that it transforms ordinary interactions into perceived threats, creating a constant state of hyper-vigilance.

Pattern 5: Histrionic High Conflict Personalities - The "Dramatic, Accusatory" Type

Histrionic personalities are distinguished by their overwhelming need to be the centre of attention in all situations. They display exaggerated emotions and dramatic behaviours that often seem out of proportion to the circumstances. Their communication style is typically colourful and theatrical, yet lacking in substance and detail. When telling stories or describing events, they tend to emphasise the emotional impact while omitting specific facts, making it difficult to separate truth from exaggeration.

Histrionic personalities are driven by an intense fear of being invisible, ordinary, or forgotten. They need to be the center of attention because being ignored feels like psychological death to them. They've learned that dramatic behavior gets them the attention they desperately crave.

But they often don't consciously realize they're performing. To them, everything really does feel like "the most terrible thing ever" or "completely devastating" in the moment. They experience emotions powerfully but briefly, quickly moving from one emotional state to another. Their emotional world is characterised by intensity rather than depth. 

One defining characteristic is that their stories don't just exaggerate - they transform completely with each telling. Each retelling adds more drama, more victimization, and more theatrical elements that weren't in the original story.

In co-parenting situations, they frequently create drama around routine matters, turning simple exchanges or decisions into major emotional events that demand everyone's immediate attention.

She'll send group texts about parenting issues that should be handled privately. She posts your co-parenting business on social media. The emotions seem surface-level despite their intensity - she's "devastated" about something but posting happy selfies an hour later. 

The primary driver for histrionic personalities is an intense, overwhelming fear of being ignored or overlooked. This creates a constant need for validation and attention from others. When they sense they are not the centre of focus in a situation, they experience genuine distress. This explains why they react so strongly when attention shifts away from them, often creating crises or dramatic situations to regain the spotlight.

Developing Your Recognition Skills

So, with these 5 types, the key is to look for patterns over time, not individual incidents. Anyone might act paranoid during a custody battle. 

But paranoid personalities are suspicious even during calm periods. Anyone might lie to avoid consequences. But antisocial personalities lie even when the truth would serve them better.

And some high conflict people don't fit any pattern clearly.

But if you recognized a pattern today, you now have more of an understanding of what you're dealing with. 

And more importantly, I hope that you can see that this behaviour isn't about you. These patterns are deeply ingrained, often from early childhood. 

I do plan to talk more about strategies to manage this in future episodes, but for now, you could check out the work of the High Conflict Institute - which was a great reference for this episode - I’ll link to them below. 

And I’ll end by reminding you that this information is not so you can label someone - in fact, if you do, they will make life a lot harder for you. Instead, use it to help you develop your own understanding of the patterns so you can protect yourself and your family.